This update is a particularly special one that I intended to give a while back, but got caught up in the string of most recent posts. It is a follow up to my entry THERAPY UPDATE 1
Even though I was very nervous and unsure, I did end up talking to the leader of my training ensemble. I approached her after one of our sessions as everyone else was getting ready to leave, part of me feeling like a “diva” or overly complicated since,
I admitted to her that I have vaginismus and gave her a little background on what the disorder entails. I explained that I had recently embarked on a journey of healing that would involve both physical and emotional therapy. She listened intently and did not appear at all uncomfortable by the sexual and medical information. I told her that this process was leading me to some unexpected discoveries, including the recent dissociative experience at rehearsal, brought on by an exercise that had involved the participants rubbing our bodies against each other. Even though I had forced myself to finish the exercise, I tried to describe just how upset and uncomfortable I had been. (see THERAPY UPDATE 1 for more information on this incident)
She heard me out in full support, and afterwards commented that she thought she knew someone close to her who suffered from something similar. I then requested that until I felt ready and safe, I be given the option to remove myself if ever experiencing this kind of debilitating discomfort again. While yes I got through it, my body will never trust me if it doesn’t feel that I will willingly protect it in moments of pain and confusion. This whole situation, while not vaginismus, felt very connected to my overall outlook on my body--a subconscious part of my brain feeling the need to take care of me physically, without permission.
My leader agreed that removing myself was the best option, and added that for the person she knew who experienced these kinds of situations, often the mere option of removing herself would make her feel secure enough to continue. She assured me that the ensemble and company would completely understand and want me to feel as safe as possible. Her eager and heartfelt response was so reassuring.
Many members of the ensemble would be teaching for the first time and I mentioned that I would never want to offend or hurt them, or even lead them to doubt their teaching if I had to step aside. Together, my group leader and I agreed that the best thing would be to send a short email explaining the situation in brief, informative terms. Describe the situation, but not make it something tragic.
Writing that email was extremely difficult and awkward. How much was appropriate to say to people I had only recently met? Would they dismiss the situation or think I was a freak? Would they think that I was making a big deal out of nothing? Or, worst of all, would they think I was disgusting and sharing way too much information? These are the same questions that have kept me so silent in certain situations for most of my life.
Here is what I wrote to the group.
Hello lovely training ensemble!
This email is a rather personal one, but something I thought important for you all to know.
I spoke with (our leader) last Tuesday, about a disorder I found out I had a few years ago and have just recently gone into the process of healing. It is a physiological sexual disorder called vaginismus. You don't need the details of the disorder, but if you would like to know more I have started a blog to go along with my healing at www.healingvaginismus.weebly.com and there is a brief description of the disorder there.
What I'm beginning to realize is just how many other aspects of my life this disorder has effected, one of them being physical contact with others, even of a non-sexual nature at times. Over the years I have forced myself into physical exercises that make me extremely uncomfortable and panic to the point that I will have an experience similar to an out of body experience. No, this isn't true if someone gives me a hug or holds or shakes my hand, but it was triggered by one of our exercises, two tuesdays ago.
For the sake of my healing and after discussing with my therapist and then (our leader) we came to the conclusion that the best thing for me to do at this time, would be to simply walk away if I ever start to panic because of physical contact.
The reason I am telling you all is because if I need to take a step out I don't want anyone to think they have done something wrong (especially if teaching!). I want you all to know that if a moment comes when I can't be physically present I am certainly with you emotionally and spiritually.
Also please don't be afraid of touching me, because 80% of the time I am more than fine and don't want you to think I am breakable! I will decide if it is too much and take full responsibility for removing myself.
Even from my short time with you all I know that you are an incredibly understanding and supportive group.
Thank you for reading and for understanding and I can't wait to see you!
Feel free to ask any questions if anything has come up from what I have said here :)
The responses were beyond anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined. I will let them speak for themselves.
From the artistic director
Thanks for being so honest and upfront about your situation. I am delighted you were able to bring this up with (the group leader) and will do everything I can to support your enjoyment and comfort in this work which can be so often physical.
On a side note I was looking at your blog and am absolutely inspired by the leadership, honesty and selflessness you show, inviting others to reach out to you for advice for example. (I for one had never heard of this disorder, but will definitely spread the word whenever it seems appropriate.)
Kudos for your bravery and honesty.
(You are definitely one of the coolest people with whom I have had the pleasure of being acquainted.)
From an ensemble member
Thank you so much for your email. I am profoundly touched by your vulnerability and honesty. I think you are truly remarkable and I am here for anything you need at all!
I am only sorry to hear you are going through this, but with your brave heart and loving spirit, I know it will get better :)
Again, I am here for anything and I thank you for sharing yourself with us and what your going through- its truly inspiring :)
So much love to you my darling!
Another
Thank you for sharing! It takes tremendous courage to be open, vulnerable, and to continue to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I am very impressed and inspired that you shared this with us and that you continue to engage in a medium that requires us to be so physical, intimate, and vulnerable. Thank you!
And finally
Thank you, so so much for your bravery, honesty, and for telling us (and by extension, me); I feel truly honored that you did. I look forward to reading your blog, and, of course, want to be supportive in anyway possible. Please don't hesitate to let me know how I can be supportive!
Have a lovely Wednesday and thank you again for being so awesome.
These are just some of the responses I have gotten both via email and verbally. The ensemble and company have been so supportive of me and I can’t explain what a blessing that has been. It has given me a safe haven to perform, explore, and learn about both my artist and my disorder.
After the rest of my experience with the ensemble over the three month training period, my therapist said “I really think that working with this group is very good for you. Will you do more with them?”
Yes, I have and yes, I will.
Community is so important. Feeling alone with a disorder is so overwhelming and it is crucial to share with others once you feel comfortable. I will be honest that it can be scary and needs to be handled with care, but if we don’t talk and write about this disorder it will continue to live in darkness, and effect so many women around the world.
Plus you can never find your truest supporters until you share what you are and have experienced. It is surprising and wonderful just how many people I have met who support this blog and who are open to talking about all kinds of issues involving sexual and gender experiences.
Don’t be afraid. If they can’t handle what you are telling them, that is okay, but remember that it is a block that they have and not something that is wrong with you. The right people are just waiting to support each other.
And as always I am willingly part of that community for anyone out there reading this. Not to seeming gushy, but we are all in this together.
Contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
Even though I was very nervous and unsure, I did end up talking to the leader of my training ensemble. I approached her after one of our sessions as everyone else was getting ready to leave, part of me feeling like a “diva” or overly complicated since,
- I had always been able to “put up with”/struggle through my physical discomfort and disconnect while performing in the past.
- Performers are expected to push their own boundaries of comfort and it is often taken for granted by those in and outside of the theater world that actors are naturally touchy, sexual people. Something that I am clearly not, and while I do want to push myself, I only want to do it in a way that all of me feels safe.
I admitted to her that I have vaginismus and gave her a little background on what the disorder entails. I explained that I had recently embarked on a journey of healing that would involve both physical and emotional therapy. She listened intently and did not appear at all uncomfortable by the sexual and medical information. I told her that this process was leading me to some unexpected discoveries, including the recent dissociative experience at rehearsal, brought on by an exercise that had involved the participants rubbing our bodies against each other. Even though I had forced myself to finish the exercise, I tried to describe just how upset and uncomfortable I had been. (see THERAPY UPDATE 1 for more information on this incident)
She heard me out in full support, and afterwards commented that she thought she knew someone close to her who suffered from something similar. I then requested that until I felt ready and safe, I be given the option to remove myself if ever experiencing this kind of debilitating discomfort again. While yes I got through it, my body will never trust me if it doesn’t feel that I will willingly protect it in moments of pain and confusion. This whole situation, while not vaginismus, felt very connected to my overall outlook on my body--a subconscious part of my brain feeling the need to take care of me physically, without permission.
My leader agreed that removing myself was the best option, and added that for the person she knew who experienced these kinds of situations, often the mere option of removing herself would make her feel secure enough to continue. She assured me that the ensemble and company would completely understand and want me to feel as safe as possible. Her eager and heartfelt response was so reassuring.
Many members of the ensemble would be teaching for the first time and I mentioned that I would never want to offend or hurt them, or even lead them to doubt their teaching if I had to step aside. Together, my group leader and I agreed that the best thing would be to send a short email explaining the situation in brief, informative terms. Describe the situation, but not make it something tragic.
Writing that email was extremely difficult and awkward. How much was appropriate to say to people I had only recently met? Would they dismiss the situation or think I was a freak? Would they think that I was making a big deal out of nothing? Or, worst of all, would they think I was disgusting and sharing way too much information? These are the same questions that have kept me so silent in certain situations for most of my life.
Here is what I wrote to the group.
Hello lovely training ensemble!
This email is a rather personal one, but something I thought important for you all to know.
I spoke with (our leader) last Tuesday, about a disorder I found out I had a few years ago and have just recently gone into the process of healing. It is a physiological sexual disorder called vaginismus. You don't need the details of the disorder, but if you would like to know more I have started a blog to go along with my healing at www.healingvaginismus.weebly.com and there is a brief description of the disorder there.
What I'm beginning to realize is just how many other aspects of my life this disorder has effected, one of them being physical contact with others, even of a non-sexual nature at times. Over the years I have forced myself into physical exercises that make me extremely uncomfortable and panic to the point that I will have an experience similar to an out of body experience. No, this isn't true if someone gives me a hug or holds or shakes my hand, but it was triggered by one of our exercises, two tuesdays ago.
For the sake of my healing and after discussing with my therapist and then (our leader) we came to the conclusion that the best thing for me to do at this time, would be to simply walk away if I ever start to panic because of physical contact.
The reason I am telling you all is because if I need to take a step out I don't want anyone to think they have done something wrong (especially if teaching!). I want you all to know that if a moment comes when I can't be physically present I am certainly with you emotionally and spiritually.
Also please don't be afraid of touching me, because 80% of the time I am more than fine and don't want you to think I am breakable! I will decide if it is too much and take full responsibility for removing myself.
Even from my short time with you all I know that you are an incredibly understanding and supportive group.
Thank you for reading and for understanding and I can't wait to see you!
Feel free to ask any questions if anything has come up from what I have said here :)
The responses were beyond anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined. I will let them speak for themselves.
From the artistic director
Thanks for being so honest and upfront about your situation. I am delighted you were able to bring this up with (the group leader) and will do everything I can to support your enjoyment and comfort in this work which can be so often physical.
On a side note I was looking at your blog and am absolutely inspired by the leadership, honesty and selflessness you show, inviting others to reach out to you for advice for example. (I for one had never heard of this disorder, but will definitely spread the word whenever it seems appropriate.)
Kudos for your bravery and honesty.
(You are definitely one of the coolest people with whom I have had the pleasure of being acquainted.)
From an ensemble member
Thank you so much for your email. I am profoundly touched by your vulnerability and honesty. I think you are truly remarkable and I am here for anything you need at all!
I am only sorry to hear you are going through this, but with your brave heart and loving spirit, I know it will get better :)
Again, I am here for anything and I thank you for sharing yourself with us and what your going through- its truly inspiring :)
So much love to you my darling!
Another
Thank you for sharing! It takes tremendous courage to be open, vulnerable, and to continue to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I am very impressed and inspired that you shared this with us and that you continue to engage in a medium that requires us to be so physical, intimate, and vulnerable. Thank you!
And finally
Thank you, so so much for your bravery, honesty, and for telling us (and by extension, me); I feel truly honored that you did. I look forward to reading your blog, and, of course, want to be supportive in anyway possible. Please don't hesitate to let me know how I can be supportive!
Have a lovely Wednesday and thank you again for being so awesome.
These are just some of the responses I have gotten both via email and verbally. The ensemble and company have been so supportive of me and I can’t explain what a blessing that has been. It has given me a safe haven to perform, explore, and learn about both my artist and my disorder.
After the rest of my experience with the ensemble over the three month training period, my therapist said “I really think that working with this group is very good for you. Will you do more with them?”
Yes, I have and yes, I will.
Community is so important. Feeling alone with a disorder is so overwhelming and it is crucial to share with others once you feel comfortable. I will be honest that it can be scary and needs to be handled with care, but if we don’t talk and write about this disorder it will continue to live in darkness, and effect so many women around the world.
Plus you can never find your truest supporters until you share what you are and have experienced. It is surprising and wonderful just how many people I have met who support this blog and who are open to talking about all kinds of issues involving sexual and gender experiences.
Don’t be afraid. If they can’t handle what you are telling them, that is okay, but remember that it is a block that they have and not something that is wrong with you. The right people are just waiting to support each other.
And as always I am willingly part of that community for anyone out there reading this. Not to seeming gushy, but we are all in this together.
Contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com