I have looked at my vagina more often now, at different times of day and in different light. Here are some of my un-edited observations from my journal.
I made some more physical observations:
About to look at my vagina…still only want to use soft light and a flashlight. Not ready for the harsh overhead light.
It feels to much like a doctor’s office.
Tonight I saw inside. It was incredible. I felt so like an explorer on the brink of a great discovery. I wanted to touch the things I had never seen before, but mostly I resisted. I want to be excited to move on to more physical exploration, but I also don’t want to move too fast. I know I will know when the time is right, especially now that I feel this eagerness. I feel that this time around I am doing things right for me, my body, my vagina, and my psychological self.
Just looked at my vagina again…interesting thing is that I think my vagina does not like to have its lips parted. I think it gets uncomfortable. I’m not sure if that comes with knowing penetration could follow or just some other mild discomfort my body experiences (that also occurs when my heel bones touch, when I have to pull my toes apart, and I’m sure there are others I’m not remembering). Based on this observation I decided that when I move forward with my physical healing I will make sure and dedicate time to gently parting the lips of my vagina to gain more comfort in this area. As long as they are approached with caution and respect I would be able to grow accustomed to this sensation. But imagine, if my body is uncomfortable with ME touching down there, how could I have asked it to let others touch the same area. It makes sense that I be the first one to really learn how.
I also had the sensation that my vagina is so small and hidden compared with the rest of my big, lanky body parts. But at the same time it looks so different and looking at it, it makes its presence known. Also with all parts combined it took my whole hand to cover it.
I was also led to some more abstract observations as I gazed downward:
Are we taught to not like our vaginas? Is that a thing? I had the thought of how many times I have heard women say that vagina’s are gross. But why? Because of the liquid? Because of the wrinkles and the hole? Because they are more difficult to keep clean? Even I had the thought, “well I like MY vagina, but I still think others are gross.” But how could that be? Is that because I judge the women who have them? I don’t want to deal with the smells, liquids of any but my own, and that is okay for me. But just because I’m not interested in having a relationship with any vagina except my own doesn't mean I can’t respect the power in the variety of others.
I both love and hate the mystery of the vagina. In one way it makes it special, but in another way it leads to women believing they are not supposed to know their own mysteries. And if they don’t know it becomes harder for others, specifically sexual partners, to understand the intricacies because we can’t tell them. It also reinforces the myth that vaginas and their sexuality and function aren’t meant to be spoken about. But for men, women, to relate to each other in any combination of partnership, sexual function and needs must be discussed.
These experiences have taught me a lot, more than I can vocalize at this time. Because of this I’ve decided to leave the mirror as part of my healing process. I figure it will be good to keep combine sight and touch to better understand how my vagina functions.
And finally, the thought I found most inspiring and appropriate to share:
As I look at my vagina I can see that while she contains so much power, she is still in need of my protection. Only I can vocalize her intricacies and needs. I wan’t to get to know her better so I can do that.
Thank you for reading and feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
I made some more physical observations:
About to look at my vagina…still only want to use soft light and a flashlight. Not ready for the harsh overhead light.
It feels to much like a doctor’s office.
Tonight I saw inside. It was incredible. I felt so like an explorer on the brink of a great discovery. I wanted to touch the things I had never seen before, but mostly I resisted. I want to be excited to move on to more physical exploration, but I also don’t want to move too fast. I know I will know when the time is right, especially now that I feel this eagerness. I feel that this time around I am doing things right for me, my body, my vagina, and my psychological self.
Just looked at my vagina again…interesting thing is that I think my vagina does not like to have its lips parted. I think it gets uncomfortable. I’m not sure if that comes with knowing penetration could follow or just some other mild discomfort my body experiences (that also occurs when my heel bones touch, when I have to pull my toes apart, and I’m sure there are others I’m not remembering). Based on this observation I decided that when I move forward with my physical healing I will make sure and dedicate time to gently parting the lips of my vagina to gain more comfort in this area. As long as they are approached with caution and respect I would be able to grow accustomed to this sensation. But imagine, if my body is uncomfortable with ME touching down there, how could I have asked it to let others touch the same area. It makes sense that I be the first one to really learn how.
I also had the sensation that my vagina is so small and hidden compared with the rest of my big, lanky body parts. But at the same time it looks so different and looking at it, it makes its presence known. Also with all parts combined it took my whole hand to cover it.
I was also led to some more abstract observations as I gazed downward:
Are we taught to not like our vaginas? Is that a thing? I had the thought of how many times I have heard women say that vagina’s are gross. But why? Because of the liquid? Because of the wrinkles and the hole? Because they are more difficult to keep clean? Even I had the thought, “well I like MY vagina, but I still think others are gross.” But how could that be? Is that because I judge the women who have them? I don’t want to deal with the smells, liquids of any but my own, and that is okay for me. But just because I’m not interested in having a relationship with any vagina except my own doesn't mean I can’t respect the power in the variety of others.
I both love and hate the mystery of the vagina. In one way it makes it special, but in another way it leads to women believing they are not supposed to know their own mysteries. And if they don’t know it becomes harder for others, specifically sexual partners, to understand the intricacies because we can’t tell them. It also reinforces the myth that vaginas and their sexuality and function aren’t meant to be spoken about. But for men, women, to relate to each other in any combination of partnership, sexual function and needs must be discussed.
These experiences have taught me a lot, more than I can vocalize at this time. Because of this I’ve decided to leave the mirror as part of my healing process. I figure it will be good to keep combine sight and touch to better understand how my vagina functions.
And finally, the thought I found most inspiring and appropriate to share:
As I look at my vagina I can see that while she contains so much power, she is still in need of my protection. Only I can vocalize her intricacies and needs. I wan’t to get to know her better so I can do that.
Thank you for reading and feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com