We talked a lot about dating and it was not easy. Why does it need to feel so hard?
There is a little girl inside me that finds it so overwhelming to talk about, she shows up unexpectantly whenever the subject is breeched (and at other times too), but where she comes from is a mystery. She is the vulnerable side of me, who I normally push out of sight. The confident, often unapproachable side of me is usually covering her up. This is one form of self protection I have developed that often causes me more harm than good.
My doctor asked, “So when do you think you’ll be ready to start dating?”
I don’t like the way she asked that, as though it were an accusations.
Maybe it was intentional.
(Later she admits to not having given me enough credit since just last week we discussed me having talked to a new crush for an hour, just the two of us, at a bar. We both know that is called progress for me.)
I explain, once again, that I really don’t like forcing things, and that I need something more organic than online dating. We both agree it’s a bad idea for me personally at this time. I’ve witnessed the worst of the worst when it comes to my friends' experiences online, and the anxiety I would experience by this option, is just not worth it.
Likewise meeting a stranger at a bar is not the way for me to go about things since the combination of drinking and hook ups has never gone well with my needs. Actually it usually has made me feel awful. And while I know this isn’t always the way it goes, it often is the expectation.
That being said, I have started putting myself out there in ways that feel safe, while still being challenging.
“I can’t help who comes to the events I go to! All I can do is go myself.”
I give the example of going to a friends poetry reading. Definitely the kind of setting that has the potential of meeting someone new, but I didn’t and that is okay.
When it comes to the crush I am hesitant. I sometimes work with him plus he is difficult to get to know. In our conversations I have mentioned that I would love to come support his art and I do my best to chat when the opportunity arises, I’ve even let him know that I have discussed him with mutual friends. My therapist and I agree that I have laid a steady groundwork and we’ll just have to wait in see. I’ve done everything I feel comfortable with at this time.
Plus, it is actually fun for me the way it is right now, which is a new sensation for me. I’m learning to enjoy having a crush on someone, when in the past I have always seen it as weakness and tried to crush it. Get it over with as soon as possible.
Being comfortable with the excitement and physical energy is good for me.
And learning to stay calm.
When I am around family and friends and they inquire,
“How is your love life?”
“Are you dating someone?”
“Any new boy friends?”
Instead of joking it off, feeling defensive or sad, or making some off hand remark or excuse, she wants me to say,
“Not currently, but I am open to the possibility of meeting someone new.”
To describe how difficult those words are for me to even think about saying….the sensation in my body is pure panic. A little voice tells me this is weakness. Weakness is disgusting, it says. But my therapist corrects me. It is not weakness, but vulnerability. Allowing myself to be vulnerable outside my writing and art will take so much more strength.
She’s right, I know she is. I am admitting that yes I get lonely, with those words.
I fight back, saying that I don’t need anyone to complete me and I don’t believe anyone should have that kind of pressure. My therapist redirects me again,
“It’s not that you need someone, it’s that you want someone.”
Sometimes it feels as though she is always finding the right thing to say to my arguments. I suppose that makes her good at her job.
At this point in my life I define myself, and I love the healthy, fulfilled, artistic woman I am, and look with pride at the journey that got me here. Being open to someone else sharing that life and myself with is a choice.
I don’t need a partner. I want a partner and that is okay. In fact it is something that many people long for.
I still fear the possibility of completely losing myself in an unhealthy relationship. My doctor knows this and is always saying, that I’m not in the same place now as I was in past relationships. Just because something happened in my past does not mean it will happen in my future.
With the new dating response and by attending new challenging social situations I am learning to open up to new people, all kinds of people, but especially men I may have an interest in dating. The goal is to show my vulnerable side, which will allow others a way in. I’m offering a doorway instead of the solid walls I have learned to build up for years. This will take real strength and courage and there is pride in that.
Please don't hesitate to reach out to me at healingvaginismus@gmail.com. Thank you for reading.
There is a little girl inside me that finds it so overwhelming to talk about, she shows up unexpectantly whenever the subject is breeched (and at other times too), but where she comes from is a mystery. She is the vulnerable side of me, who I normally push out of sight. The confident, often unapproachable side of me is usually covering her up. This is one form of self protection I have developed that often causes me more harm than good.
My doctor asked, “So when do you think you’ll be ready to start dating?”
I don’t like the way she asked that, as though it were an accusations.
Maybe it was intentional.
(Later she admits to not having given me enough credit since just last week we discussed me having talked to a new crush for an hour, just the two of us, at a bar. We both know that is called progress for me.)
I explain, once again, that I really don’t like forcing things, and that I need something more organic than online dating. We both agree it’s a bad idea for me personally at this time. I’ve witnessed the worst of the worst when it comes to my friends' experiences online, and the anxiety I would experience by this option, is just not worth it.
Likewise meeting a stranger at a bar is not the way for me to go about things since the combination of drinking and hook ups has never gone well with my needs. Actually it usually has made me feel awful. And while I know this isn’t always the way it goes, it often is the expectation.
That being said, I have started putting myself out there in ways that feel safe, while still being challenging.
“I can’t help who comes to the events I go to! All I can do is go myself.”
I give the example of going to a friends poetry reading. Definitely the kind of setting that has the potential of meeting someone new, but I didn’t and that is okay.
When it comes to the crush I am hesitant. I sometimes work with him plus he is difficult to get to know. In our conversations I have mentioned that I would love to come support his art and I do my best to chat when the opportunity arises, I’ve even let him know that I have discussed him with mutual friends. My therapist and I agree that I have laid a steady groundwork and we’ll just have to wait in see. I’ve done everything I feel comfortable with at this time.
Plus, it is actually fun for me the way it is right now, which is a new sensation for me. I’m learning to enjoy having a crush on someone, when in the past I have always seen it as weakness and tried to crush it. Get it over with as soon as possible.
Being comfortable with the excitement and physical energy is good for me.
And learning to stay calm.
When I am around family and friends and they inquire,
“How is your love life?”
“Are you dating someone?”
“Any new boy friends?”
Instead of joking it off, feeling defensive or sad, or making some off hand remark or excuse, she wants me to say,
“Not currently, but I am open to the possibility of meeting someone new.”
To describe how difficult those words are for me to even think about saying….the sensation in my body is pure panic. A little voice tells me this is weakness. Weakness is disgusting, it says. But my therapist corrects me. It is not weakness, but vulnerability. Allowing myself to be vulnerable outside my writing and art will take so much more strength.
She’s right, I know she is. I am admitting that yes I get lonely, with those words.
I fight back, saying that I don’t need anyone to complete me and I don’t believe anyone should have that kind of pressure. My therapist redirects me again,
“It’s not that you need someone, it’s that you want someone.”
Sometimes it feels as though she is always finding the right thing to say to my arguments. I suppose that makes her good at her job.
At this point in my life I define myself, and I love the healthy, fulfilled, artistic woman I am, and look with pride at the journey that got me here. Being open to someone else sharing that life and myself with is a choice.
I don’t need a partner. I want a partner and that is okay. In fact it is something that many people long for.
I still fear the possibility of completely losing myself in an unhealthy relationship. My doctor knows this and is always saying, that I’m not in the same place now as I was in past relationships. Just because something happened in my past does not mean it will happen in my future.
With the new dating response and by attending new challenging social situations I am learning to open up to new people, all kinds of people, but especially men I may have an interest in dating. The goal is to show my vulnerable side, which will allow others a way in. I’m offering a doorway instead of the solid walls I have learned to build up for years. This will take real strength and courage and there is pride in that.
Please don't hesitate to reach out to me at healingvaginismus@gmail.com. Thank you for reading.