Today I felt both determined and a little defeated. A little bit like what I have felt this week, with what's going on in the world. With the way women's rights and empowerment has been handled, with the way we are spoken of by men and each other, with the harassment, sometimes I feel, "What's the point?! Your vagina will always be broken."And yet here I am doing my exercises. My very act of healing and living a healthy life is a form of protest against the sexism so apparent in every day life. So yes I commit even further touching my own vagina. To talking about the issues surrounding sexuality and disorder. To language and actions of healing.
Tonight. Take 2 in a row. Motivated. Vagina much more open. Learned parts of my vagina that feel more pleasurable to touch than others (and I don't mean the clitoris, but other areas, not as obvious.) . Learning how MY vagina will like being touched. After all, we are each unique.
Tonight I pushed the end of my finger into my vagina. The entrance was a bit dry since I had been doing my kegel exercises and parting the lips of my vagina as I usually do to warm up. This dryness would have made pushing any further in, very uncomfortable, which might have made controlling my muscles impossible. So just the end of my finger is a start and a very good one. Penetration in any small way is a big way for my vagina.
More exploration inside. Uncomfortable because of dryness around entrance. Feels stuck as if parts would get pushed inward if I continued. The inside of my vagina feels bumpy like craters. It can hurt if I go to fast and hit one of the bumps suddenly.
Another step toward healthy thinking and body contact. Tonight I thought to my vagina, "I don't want you to just tolerate being touched, I want you to enjoy it." Learning how to enjoy the act of the inside of my body being touched. It is so intimate. No wonder it is difficult. I have trouble allowing people to touch the outside of my body, let alone the tender insides. But if I do things in trust and openness myself.... If I am not only willing to wait for a partner who respects my sexual wishes, wants and needs, but also if I will stand up for my own needs and wants. But before I let anyone else touch inside there I must let myself learn first.
Tonight. Take 2 in a row. Motivated. Vagina much more open. Learned parts of my vagina that feel more pleasurable to touch than others (and I don't mean the clitoris, but other areas, not as obvious.) . Learning how MY vagina will like being touched. After all, we are each unique.
Tonight I pushed the end of my finger into my vagina. The entrance was a bit dry since I had been doing my kegel exercises and parting the lips of my vagina as I usually do to warm up. This dryness would have made pushing any further in, very uncomfortable, which might have made controlling my muscles impossible. So just the end of my finger is a start and a very good one. Penetration in any small way is a big way for my vagina.
More exploration inside. Uncomfortable because of dryness around entrance. Feels stuck as if parts would get pushed inward if I continued. The inside of my vagina feels bumpy like craters. It can hurt if I go to fast and hit one of the bumps suddenly.
Another step toward healthy thinking and body contact. Tonight I thought to my vagina, "I don't want you to just tolerate being touched, I want you to enjoy it." Learning how to enjoy the act of the inside of my body being touched. It is so intimate. No wonder it is difficult. I have trouble allowing people to touch the outside of my body, let alone the tender insides. But if I do things in trust and openness myself.... If I am not only willing to wait for a partner who respects my sexual wishes, wants and needs, but also if I will stand up for my own needs and wants. But before I let anyone else touch inside there I must let myself learn first.