I really did fall “head over heels” for L, even though we were only in high school and for a number of months he felt like my whole world.
Sitting at his soccer practice admiring his talent….and by talent I also mean his cute butt.
Going to extra help with him in math class, even though I didn’t need it.
I still remember his fidgety, lean and strong hands, and how he used to take a pen with him to the bathroom to play with.
And then how warm and taut he felt when he would hug me.
For a long time we shared our mutual affection, eager to impress each other, but in spite of all that goodness, the same fear as with S came back again. My fear of kissing someone new, afraid of disappointing him. A paralyzing fear.
One night during a snow ball fight, we were always conveniently falling to the ground tangled together. Him lying on top of me in the snow, both wanting the kiss, neither one making that first move, and each blaming the other for the lack of initiation. It still feels like a wasted opportunity after all these years. We expected the other to be the brave one, when neither of us had the courage.
In a matter of weeks, I felt him forcibly pulling away from us, and yet I hung on. I fought so hard, too hard, but never used the one weapon that could have saved us, at least for a little bit longer. He ended it over the phone on New Years Eve, but had already got together with another girl long before that, a girl I considered a friend at the time. I still can feel the left over pain of watching those two sit or walk across the parking lot hand in hand. They actually made all our mutual friends promise not to tell me the truth and it was kept “secret” for months, even when I would become suspicious and outright ask about the pair. Finally being told the truth was a double betrayal, or more than double if you count each friend who knew separately. There have been few times in my life where I have felt that alone.
On top of it all I felt that I had failed, that I was worthless and a coward. All because that kiss never happened—a lot to blame on one kiss.
When it came to M, still no kisses, but for a very different reason. He was good to me in almost every way, and treated me with such respect, kindness, and adoration.
I was drawn to this.
It was comforting to be the one obsessed over and in control, when I usually felt like the one being controlled.
I did care for this very good boy and his sweet personality, but there was a major problem….
I was not the least bit physically attracted to him.
He would go to kiss me and I would turn my head, so that the kiss always landed on my cheek. I didn’t want to hurt him and felt terrible to reject his advances, but this was always an instinctive and instantaneous reaction. He would get frustrated, but would never take it out on me, remaining the picture of patience.
So why was I with him to begin with?
I really thought things would change. I truly believed that attraction would inevitably come because I cared for him. I didn’t understand or appreciate how important this side of a romantic partnership is. To me it was secondary, especially after what had happened with my past relationship.
After waiting a number of months I began to realize that I would never find what I was looking for with M. Physical attraction refused to arrive, and while there are other reasons why we would not have worked out, I can’t pretend that this was not the most immediate problem. I broke up with him and in the process I really hurt him, something I’m not proud of, but which forced me to learn a very important lesson: that attraction is essential to any romantic relationship I partake in. It is a separate, though connected element to mutual care and respect.
I was physically drawn to L to the point of obsession, but wasn’t brave enough to make that first move, and on top of that I had to learn the hard way that he had little regard for my feelings or well being. M on the other hand was a kind, caring boyfriend, who I could connect with emotionally, but never physically. In my youth and lack of experience, both of these combos meant someone would get hurt.
While this happened many years ago now, I do believe that the same lesson can be applied to my sexual life as an adult. In order for me to be comfortable with a man in a relationship that eventually leads to sex, I must deeply care for him and have that physical attraction. This is what my body and vagina need in a romantic partner and it is my duty to honestly assess both of these categories moving forward.
I took a bit of a break do to traveling, but I still have plenty of updates coming soon. Feel free to reach out to me at healingvaginismus@gmail.com