About a year ago I was reading the headlines for The Irish Times and I found an article titled “Tell Me About It: I have fallen in love but I can’t have sex.” A woman had anonymously written into the newspaper:
Q I am now in my late 50s and I want to tackle a problem that has haunted me for many years. I’m in a relationship with a man, and I think that I might want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I can’t have intercourse and I don’t know how to tell him. I am so afraid that it might break us up.
I’ve known I’ve had this problem since first trying to have sex about 30 years ago, and I think I understand where it is coming from. My mum got pregnant whenever my dad came home – he worked abroad and came home every year for a few months. I think I picked up her fear of pregnancy, and my body just won’t let any penetration happen.
I’ve always had flirtations, but backed off when it felt like things were getting serious. Now I am so afraid that I might lose my one chance at happiness.
They wrote back that she most likely had vaginismus.
I cried when I read it; for this woman, for myself, and for all women living with vaginismus, because so many of us just didn’t know and it often feels as though the world, the medical professionals and even those close to us, just don’t understand. That moment made me realize that we need to start talking, not only about vaginismus, but about all the different sexual disorders, experiences, and preferences, not in a way that is sexy or pornographic, but from a place of reality, support, and truth. This involves a change in the way we think and feel about sexual conversations. Talking will be the only way to allow every individual to stop hiding away their sexual experiences and opinions, so that they can get the information they need to lead healthy and happy sexual lives.
Women should not feel a need to wait until their 50s, or even age 22, to seek help and find answers. I truly believe that a more open and honest community will lead to less cases of sexual disorders in each generation.
There are so many individuals fighting for a change in the way we think as a society and world about sexual preference, gender, and experience. These movements are the answer that will lead to all people feeling more comfortable and safe in their bodies and relationships. My contribution is through this blog and its discussion of vaginismus. There is a lot of medical information on the internet about this disorder and yet most people I meet have never heard of it. Likewise, though the medical information abounds, there is very little personal story, and living with any disorder is incredibly personal. Vaginismus is tied up in sexual history, past trauma, personal and moral belief systems, and the subconscious. I believe that making more opportunities and sources available for people to seek help and support, will allow for more healing to take place and more people to feel comfortable sharing their stories.
I hope my personal account will help others, by explaining to women and men how intricate life with vaginismus can be. The more I explore physically and emotionally, the more I realize just how many areas of my life effect and are effected by this disorder.
Though I managed to have sex in the past, my vaginismus is back and stronger than ever before. For a long time I found this fact disheartening. I would see my dilator and tears of anger would come to my eyes. “Why? Why bother? Why me?” It all felt so hopeless. “What is the point? I’ll never get over it.” But after reading that article in The Irish Times I knew I owed it to myself and all the other women out there dealing with vaginismus, both known and unknown, to heal again and fully. This time I want to do it just for me and document the experience for others. Yes I want to have sex again, but I don’t want that to be my end goal because I don’t want to heal for any one man. I did that before and I want something more permanent this time around. My vagina deserves to be healthy and function in the way it was meant to, it should not have to be afraid of penetration.
For me this journey will be true healing, because it will empower my body and self. Already through weekly therapy and writing these posts I have learned so much that I never realized before. I will continue to document my experience as I now begin physical therapy.
Know that each woman’s process of healing will be different, and that there is no “right way” that applies to all.
I have been blessed with incredibly supportive friends, family, and followers that have helped and cheered me on. Whether you are reading for your own process or just out of curiosity, know that this blog is a community. Whatever our sexual past or present, we need to have outlets and safe places to share, if we so desire. Every post I make to this blog, every time I explain my disorder to a new person, is incredibly difficult and scary, but helps me to grow and better understand myself and how others perceive vaginismus. I offer anyone else the same opportunity that I have been given. Thank you for reading.
(To read the rest of the article mentions above, go to http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/tell-me-about-it-i-have-fallen-in-love-but-i-can-t-have-sex-1.1898348)
Q I am now in my late 50s and I want to tackle a problem that has haunted me for many years. I’m in a relationship with a man, and I think that I might want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I can’t have intercourse and I don’t know how to tell him. I am so afraid that it might break us up.
I’ve known I’ve had this problem since first trying to have sex about 30 years ago, and I think I understand where it is coming from. My mum got pregnant whenever my dad came home – he worked abroad and came home every year for a few months. I think I picked up her fear of pregnancy, and my body just won’t let any penetration happen.
I’ve always had flirtations, but backed off when it felt like things were getting serious. Now I am so afraid that I might lose my one chance at happiness.
They wrote back that she most likely had vaginismus.
I cried when I read it; for this woman, for myself, and for all women living with vaginismus, because so many of us just didn’t know and it often feels as though the world, the medical professionals and even those close to us, just don’t understand. That moment made me realize that we need to start talking, not only about vaginismus, but about all the different sexual disorders, experiences, and preferences, not in a way that is sexy or pornographic, but from a place of reality, support, and truth. This involves a change in the way we think and feel about sexual conversations. Talking will be the only way to allow every individual to stop hiding away their sexual experiences and opinions, so that they can get the information they need to lead healthy and happy sexual lives.
Women should not feel a need to wait until their 50s, or even age 22, to seek help and find answers. I truly believe that a more open and honest community will lead to less cases of sexual disorders in each generation.
There are so many individuals fighting for a change in the way we think as a society and world about sexual preference, gender, and experience. These movements are the answer that will lead to all people feeling more comfortable and safe in their bodies and relationships. My contribution is through this blog and its discussion of vaginismus. There is a lot of medical information on the internet about this disorder and yet most people I meet have never heard of it. Likewise, though the medical information abounds, there is very little personal story, and living with any disorder is incredibly personal. Vaginismus is tied up in sexual history, past trauma, personal and moral belief systems, and the subconscious. I believe that making more opportunities and sources available for people to seek help and support, will allow for more healing to take place and more people to feel comfortable sharing their stories.
I hope my personal account will help others, by explaining to women and men how intricate life with vaginismus can be. The more I explore physically and emotionally, the more I realize just how many areas of my life effect and are effected by this disorder.
Though I managed to have sex in the past, my vaginismus is back and stronger than ever before. For a long time I found this fact disheartening. I would see my dilator and tears of anger would come to my eyes. “Why? Why bother? Why me?” It all felt so hopeless. “What is the point? I’ll never get over it.” But after reading that article in The Irish Times I knew I owed it to myself and all the other women out there dealing with vaginismus, both known and unknown, to heal again and fully. This time I want to do it just for me and document the experience for others. Yes I want to have sex again, but I don’t want that to be my end goal because I don’t want to heal for any one man. I did that before and I want something more permanent this time around. My vagina deserves to be healthy and function in the way it was meant to, it should not have to be afraid of penetration.
For me this journey will be true healing, because it will empower my body and self. Already through weekly therapy and writing these posts I have learned so much that I never realized before. I will continue to document my experience as I now begin physical therapy.
Know that each woman’s process of healing will be different, and that there is no “right way” that applies to all.
I have been blessed with incredibly supportive friends, family, and followers that have helped and cheered me on. Whether you are reading for your own process or just out of curiosity, know that this blog is a community. Whatever our sexual past or present, we need to have outlets and safe places to share, if we so desire. Every post I make to this blog, every time I explain my disorder to a new person, is incredibly difficult and scary, but helps me to grow and better understand myself and how others perceive vaginismus. I offer anyone else the same opportunity that I have been given. Thank you for reading.
(To read the rest of the article mentions above, go to http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/tell-me-about-it-i-have-fallen-in-love-but-i-can-t-have-sex-1.1898348)