I must admit that the following, highly sexual entry is difficult for me to share, so please be aware that the following content is very personal and is written in order to promote a more full understanding of the experience of living with vaginismus (even before I was aware I had it). It may make some readers uncomfortable, though that is not the intention. I want to promote writing that is sexually honest, because no one should have to hide what they are going through and secrecy is a major reason why many people do not know more about sexual disorders.
My boyfriend T and I led what felt like a fairy tale romance, or that is the way we treated it most of the time. We started our distance relationship right after I graduated college and was about to move to New York, and as he was going into his final year at a military academy. He allowed me to believe in the goodness of relationships and words like forever. While the distance was tough, our feelings were strong and, speaking for myself, over-powering at times. Looking back, it was as though I lived in a romantic film (An Officer and a Gentleman is one of T’s favorites). Physically we moved slow in the beginning. I still can’t believe it took him a date and an entire weekend together before her even kissed me! He treated me as though I were something to awe over, a treasure, at that time.
The first time we became sexually active was when he visited me for a week, about a month later. I was very upfront and he already knew about my small number of past sexual experiences and the fact that I was a virgin, all of which led to me not having much confidence in my own sexual abilities. On the plus side, I told him, and still maintain, that I have a very active sexual drive, which led me to masturbate at a very young age and very often throughout my life. When I am with someone I trust and am attracted to, my body makes it clear that it is turned on and wants to have sex.
I explained to T about the past attempts of guys I was with trying to finger me. I can remember how much it actually hurt, though I never understood why. One boyfriend told me repeatedly to “just relax,” and would blame me for my own pain, because there was no way, in his mind, that what he was doing should hurt. Luckily T is not one to be intimidated by such stories, and had no desire to do anything that caused me pain or discomfort. Instead, let’s just say, he had a healthy ego and was very good with his hands, plus I'm easy to turn on. Once he figured out where my clitoris was located I had no problems reaching an orgasm, and he seemed to greatly enjoy watching the pleasure I got.
On the other hand, while T enjoyed oral sex he admitted that he rarely orgasmed from it, because of his own past sexual experiences. Along with that it was not possible for me to give a hand job that would work better than his own masturbation. And so we both accepted and encouraged him to mostly take care of himself, with help from me being turned on, until we could have vaginal sex. He could also at times get off from dry humping (with a condom), something I found particularly impressive. Even while these arrangements were necessary because of the constraints on both our sides, I felt extremely guilty about the whole thing. Here I was in a relationship with a man I loved and was so good to me. I wanted to please him in so many ways but felt that I was the cause of what was lacking in our sexual lives. I always thought, in a way, that I had failed him, though I always tried my best to help, even when he was pleasuring himself.
But I don't want the picture to look too bleak, since we both looked forward to and couldn't get enough of our sexual time together, often not leaving the hotel room for much of the day. I remember him not wanting me to leave the bed on many occasions. We had a lot of fun, in spite of the complications.
At first we did not even try to have sex because I was a virgin, but I fairly quickly fell in love with T and felt like I was ready on every level. However, I also knew from past attempts at using tampons, physical exams or being fingered that inserting anything large into my vagina was going to be a challenge. I had been wondering for a few years and finally decided, because of T, that I wanted to find out if there could be any explanation for the pain I was experiencing.
A few months into our distance relationship I booked an appointment with a new gyno to try and find some answers (see Diagnosis Part I and Part II for more information). T and I continued to skype, talk on the phone, and see each other every few weeks. Emotionally our relationship was on the fast track, but because of the distance and my lack of experience, and thanks to his patience, we were sexually at a stand still. I won’t pretend it wasn’t extremely trying for both of us, and I will never know the full extent of what he experienced, but we both knew together that this was something worth waiting to figure out.
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
My boyfriend T and I led what felt like a fairy tale romance, or that is the way we treated it most of the time. We started our distance relationship right after I graduated college and was about to move to New York, and as he was going into his final year at a military academy. He allowed me to believe in the goodness of relationships and words like forever. While the distance was tough, our feelings were strong and, speaking for myself, over-powering at times. Looking back, it was as though I lived in a romantic film (An Officer and a Gentleman is one of T’s favorites). Physically we moved slow in the beginning. I still can’t believe it took him a date and an entire weekend together before her even kissed me! He treated me as though I were something to awe over, a treasure, at that time.
The first time we became sexually active was when he visited me for a week, about a month later. I was very upfront and he already knew about my small number of past sexual experiences and the fact that I was a virgin, all of which led to me not having much confidence in my own sexual abilities. On the plus side, I told him, and still maintain, that I have a very active sexual drive, which led me to masturbate at a very young age and very often throughout my life. When I am with someone I trust and am attracted to, my body makes it clear that it is turned on and wants to have sex.
I explained to T about the past attempts of guys I was with trying to finger me. I can remember how much it actually hurt, though I never understood why. One boyfriend told me repeatedly to “just relax,” and would blame me for my own pain, because there was no way, in his mind, that what he was doing should hurt. Luckily T is not one to be intimidated by such stories, and had no desire to do anything that caused me pain or discomfort. Instead, let’s just say, he had a healthy ego and was very good with his hands, plus I'm easy to turn on. Once he figured out where my clitoris was located I had no problems reaching an orgasm, and he seemed to greatly enjoy watching the pleasure I got.
On the other hand, while T enjoyed oral sex he admitted that he rarely orgasmed from it, because of his own past sexual experiences. Along with that it was not possible for me to give a hand job that would work better than his own masturbation. And so we both accepted and encouraged him to mostly take care of himself, with help from me being turned on, until we could have vaginal sex. He could also at times get off from dry humping (with a condom), something I found particularly impressive. Even while these arrangements were necessary because of the constraints on both our sides, I felt extremely guilty about the whole thing. Here I was in a relationship with a man I loved and was so good to me. I wanted to please him in so many ways but felt that I was the cause of what was lacking in our sexual lives. I always thought, in a way, that I had failed him, though I always tried my best to help, even when he was pleasuring himself.
But I don't want the picture to look too bleak, since we both looked forward to and couldn't get enough of our sexual time together, often not leaving the hotel room for much of the day. I remember him not wanting me to leave the bed on many occasions. We had a lot of fun, in spite of the complications.
At first we did not even try to have sex because I was a virgin, but I fairly quickly fell in love with T and felt like I was ready on every level. However, I also knew from past attempts at using tampons, physical exams or being fingered that inserting anything large into my vagina was going to be a challenge. I had been wondering for a few years and finally decided, because of T, that I wanted to find out if there could be any explanation for the pain I was experiencing.
A few months into our distance relationship I booked an appointment with a new gyno to try and find some answers (see Diagnosis Part I and Part II for more information). T and I continued to skype, talk on the phone, and see each other every few weeks. Emotionally our relationship was on the fast track, but because of the distance and my lack of experience, and thanks to his patience, we were sexually at a stand still. I won’t pretend it wasn’t extremely trying for both of us, and I will never know the full extent of what he experienced, but we both knew together that this was something worth waiting to figure out.
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com