Physical therapy continues with more tightening and relaxing, a more open vagina, and attempting to give my vagina more comfort in being touched. Thoughts and observations directly from my journal below.
Tonight I looked and felt. Feels as though I’m switching from subconscious to conscious control of the pelvic muscles in more ways than one. Yes the vaginismus is the driving thing to change, but lately I’ve caught it relaxing at inappropriate times, like my anus relaxing in the shower and water getting inside (a new experience for me.) Or less of an ability to hold me urine perhaps, but that could just be more awareness too. I have been nervous as times that I might wet the bed, which I used to do when young. Could my physical exercises be effecting the other functions of my pelvic muscle?
I wonder what makes the vagina so pink? Why isn’t it the color of the rest of my skin? Is it the same reason my lips and tongue are pink? (still don’t know that reason either.) In so many ways they are the two mirrors. Both are not treated or respected, honored or protected the way they should be. By me. My mouth has teeth, vaginismus is my vagina’s equivalent.
The hole is not really a hole yet. Is it actually supposed to look open or does it always look more like a slit? No wonder people have difficulty finding their own vaginas sometimes.
I found that lightly holding my hand over my vagina area helps it to relax. You would think it would make it more difficult because it is an act of touching, but to me it felt more like a physical reminder that I can and do support my vagina. I will protect her.
The most exciting thing. Tonight I saw inside my vagina. I mean with no flashlight and without really pulling it open. I started with no mirror, first pulling the lips apart and decided to start easing my way into touching along the entrance to my vagina once my lips have pulled apart. In the past this has been an immediate trigger for my vagina to tighten up. It always felt like a shock. SO sensitive to touch. But tonight it felt fine. No sudden discomfort or jerk reaction. I explored just a little around the edges. Then I began tightening and releasing. (separately, aka not while touching the entrance.) It felt so loose, but I thought that might be in my head. However, when I got out my mirror I could see part of the way inside! I’ve never seen my vagina open like that while in a resting position, unforced apart. I was so proud. I was so excited I wanted to insert my finger (the next step in my therapy), but instead decided to take it slow and enjoy this triumph.
Learning more and more. Vagina was even more open tonight. I play around with my conscious brain telling my vagina exactly what it intends to do. For example, telling it, promising that, “tonight no actually penetration will take place,” or “ I am now going to open the entrance.” I think I will start using this technique also when I tighten and relax. It is not meant to be a command, but a communication to build trust between my body and mind. Keeping everything informed.
I touched the opened entrance again tonight with my two fingers. This time I thought I experienced discomfort, but I adjusted and realized that these feelings, in this instance come from an unfamiliarity and panic in my brain. Like anywhere I need to grow accustomed to being touched.
Physical Check In posts are specifically about my very personal experience of the physical healing of vaginismus. These will be different for everyone. Feel free to contact me with any questions or thoughts. mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
Tonight I looked and felt. Feels as though I’m switching from subconscious to conscious control of the pelvic muscles in more ways than one. Yes the vaginismus is the driving thing to change, but lately I’ve caught it relaxing at inappropriate times, like my anus relaxing in the shower and water getting inside (a new experience for me.) Or less of an ability to hold me urine perhaps, but that could just be more awareness too. I have been nervous as times that I might wet the bed, which I used to do when young. Could my physical exercises be effecting the other functions of my pelvic muscle?
I wonder what makes the vagina so pink? Why isn’t it the color of the rest of my skin? Is it the same reason my lips and tongue are pink? (still don’t know that reason either.) In so many ways they are the two mirrors. Both are not treated or respected, honored or protected the way they should be. By me. My mouth has teeth, vaginismus is my vagina’s equivalent.
The hole is not really a hole yet. Is it actually supposed to look open or does it always look more like a slit? No wonder people have difficulty finding their own vaginas sometimes.
I found that lightly holding my hand over my vagina area helps it to relax. You would think it would make it more difficult because it is an act of touching, but to me it felt more like a physical reminder that I can and do support my vagina. I will protect her.
The most exciting thing. Tonight I saw inside my vagina. I mean with no flashlight and without really pulling it open. I started with no mirror, first pulling the lips apart and decided to start easing my way into touching along the entrance to my vagina once my lips have pulled apart. In the past this has been an immediate trigger for my vagina to tighten up. It always felt like a shock. SO sensitive to touch. But tonight it felt fine. No sudden discomfort or jerk reaction. I explored just a little around the edges. Then I began tightening and releasing. (separately, aka not while touching the entrance.) It felt so loose, but I thought that might be in my head. However, when I got out my mirror I could see part of the way inside! I’ve never seen my vagina open like that while in a resting position, unforced apart. I was so proud. I was so excited I wanted to insert my finger (the next step in my therapy), but instead decided to take it slow and enjoy this triumph.
Learning more and more. Vagina was even more open tonight. I play around with my conscious brain telling my vagina exactly what it intends to do. For example, telling it, promising that, “tonight no actually penetration will take place,” or “ I am now going to open the entrance.” I think I will start using this technique also when I tighten and relax. It is not meant to be a command, but a communication to build trust between my body and mind. Keeping everything informed.
I touched the opened entrance again tonight with my two fingers. This time I thought I experienced discomfort, but I adjusted and realized that these feelings, in this instance come from an unfamiliarity and panic in my brain. Like anywhere I need to grow accustomed to being touched.
Physical Check In posts are specifically about my very personal experience of the physical healing of vaginismus. These will be different for everyone. Feel free to contact me with any questions or thoughts. mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com