I read The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler for the first time this week. I was repeated struck by feelings of horror, sadness, and grateful joy. Reading them was both terrifying and liberating, and as difficult as it was at times I knew it was my duty to myself and other women to be able to read every part. It reminded me of just how far I have come on my own personal journey with my vagina and vaginismus and yet just how far I still have yet to go.
The following is an excerpt from the version of The Vagina Monologues published in 2008 by Villard Books. This is a large chunk of Ensler's preface to the play. It speaks for itself...
“I say the word ‘vagina’ because when I first started saying it I discovered how fragmented I was, how disconnected my body was from my mind. My vagina was something over there, away in the distance. I rarely lived inside it, or even visited. I was busy working, writing; being a mother, a friend. I did not see my vagina as my primary resource, a place of sustenance, humor, and creativity. It was fraught there, full of fear. I’d been raped as a little girl, and although I’d grown up, and done all the adult things one does with one’s vagina, I had never really reentered that part of my body after I’d been violated. I had essentially lived most of my life without my motor, my center, my second heart.
….
I say ‘vagina’ because I have read the statistics, and bad things are happening to women’s vaginas everywhere: 500,000 women are raped every year in the United States; 100 million women have been genitally mutilated worldwide; and the list goes on and on. I say ‘vagina’ because I want these bad things to stop. I know they will not stop until we acknowledge that they’re going on, and the only way to make that possible is to enable women to talk without fear of punishment or retribution.
It’s scary saying the word. ‘Vagina.’ At first it feels like you are crashing through an invisible wall. ‘Vagina.’ You feel guilty and wrong, as if someone’s going to strike you down. Then, after you say the word the hundredth time or the thousandth time, it occurs to you that it’s your word, your body, your most essential place. You suddenly realize that all the shame and embarrassment you’ve previously felt saying the word has been a form of silencing your desire, eroding your ambition.
Then you begin to say the word more and more. You say it with a kind of passion, a kind of urgency, because you sense that if you stop saying it, the fear will overcome you again and you will fall back into an embarrassed whisper. So you say it everywhere you can, bring it up in every conversation.
Your excited about your vagina; you want to study it and explore it and introduce yourself to it, and find out how to listen to it, and give it pleasure, and keep it healthy and wise and strong. You learn how to satisfy yourself and teach your lover how to satisfy you.
You’re aware of your vagina all day, wherever you are—in your car, at the supermarket, at the gym, in the office. You’re aware of this precious, gorgeous, life-bearing part of you between your legs, and it makes you smile.; it makes you proud.
And as more women say the word, saying it becomes less of a big deal; it becomes part of our language, part of our lives. Our vaginas become integrated, and respected, and sacred. They become part of our bodies, connected to our minds, fueling our spirits. And the shame leaves and the violation stops, because vaginas are visible and real, and they are connected to powerful, wise, vagina-talking women.
We have a huge journey in front of us.
This is the beginning. Here’s the place to think about our vaginas, to learn about other women’s vagina’s, to hear stories and interviews, to answer questions, and to ask them. Here’s the place to release the myths, shame, and fear. Here’s the place to practice saying the word, because as we know, the word is what propels us and sets us free. ‘VAGINA’”
Yes, I cried when I read this as though it was written for me and for this blog. Please share your stories if you need, want, and can. This blog is a place to help us all on the healing journey toward making the world a safe place for everyone. Having vaginismus is something no one should have to experience alone.
I also highly recommend reading or seeing the play, The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler http://www.eveensler.org/plays/the-vagina-monologues/. No matter who you are her message is so important.
And as always feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
The following is an excerpt from the version of The Vagina Monologues published in 2008 by Villard Books. This is a large chunk of Ensler's preface to the play. It speaks for itself...
“I say the word ‘vagina’ because when I first started saying it I discovered how fragmented I was, how disconnected my body was from my mind. My vagina was something over there, away in the distance. I rarely lived inside it, or even visited. I was busy working, writing; being a mother, a friend. I did not see my vagina as my primary resource, a place of sustenance, humor, and creativity. It was fraught there, full of fear. I’d been raped as a little girl, and although I’d grown up, and done all the adult things one does with one’s vagina, I had never really reentered that part of my body after I’d been violated. I had essentially lived most of my life without my motor, my center, my second heart.
….
I say ‘vagina’ because I have read the statistics, and bad things are happening to women’s vaginas everywhere: 500,000 women are raped every year in the United States; 100 million women have been genitally mutilated worldwide; and the list goes on and on. I say ‘vagina’ because I want these bad things to stop. I know they will not stop until we acknowledge that they’re going on, and the only way to make that possible is to enable women to talk without fear of punishment or retribution.
It’s scary saying the word. ‘Vagina.’ At first it feels like you are crashing through an invisible wall. ‘Vagina.’ You feel guilty and wrong, as if someone’s going to strike you down. Then, after you say the word the hundredth time or the thousandth time, it occurs to you that it’s your word, your body, your most essential place. You suddenly realize that all the shame and embarrassment you’ve previously felt saying the word has been a form of silencing your desire, eroding your ambition.
Then you begin to say the word more and more. You say it with a kind of passion, a kind of urgency, because you sense that if you stop saying it, the fear will overcome you again and you will fall back into an embarrassed whisper. So you say it everywhere you can, bring it up in every conversation.
Your excited about your vagina; you want to study it and explore it and introduce yourself to it, and find out how to listen to it, and give it pleasure, and keep it healthy and wise and strong. You learn how to satisfy yourself and teach your lover how to satisfy you.
You’re aware of your vagina all day, wherever you are—in your car, at the supermarket, at the gym, in the office. You’re aware of this precious, gorgeous, life-bearing part of you between your legs, and it makes you smile.; it makes you proud.
And as more women say the word, saying it becomes less of a big deal; it becomes part of our language, part of our lives. Our vaginas become integrated, and respected, and sacred. They become part of our bodies, connected to our minds, fueling our spirits. And the shame leaves and the violation stops, because vaginas are visible and real, and they are connected to powerful, wise, vagina-talking women.
We have a huge journey in front of us.
This is the beginning. Here’s the place to think about our vaginas, to learn about other women’s vagina’s, to hear stories and interviews, to answer questions, and to ask them. Here’s the place to release the myths, shame, and fear. Here’s the place to practice saying the word, because as we know, the word is what propels us and sets us free. ‘VAGINA’”
Yes, I cried when I read this as though it was written for me and for this blog. Please share your stories if you need, want, and can. This blog is a place to help us all on the healing journey toward making the world a safe place for everyone. Having vaginismus is something no one should have to experience alone.
I also highly recommend reading or seeing the play, The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler http://www.eveensler.org/plays/the-vagina-monologues/. No matter who you are her message is so important.
And as always feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com