This past week I had a very difficult therapy sessions. My therapist tried to breech the subject of dating for the first time. She asked if I ever met anyone that I liked in my performance classes, and I said, no, there wasn’t anyone. When she asked if I ever liked anyone, I proudly defended that I did and that in fact there was someone at one of my jobs that I had a major crush on, finding him both very attractive and interesting. She suggested that I ask him out for coffee….
My immediate response was no, and I started becoming very anxious as she continued to ask me very routine questions. At first excuses ran through my head-I work with him and don’t want any complication, I think one of my other friends might have a thing for him, it just would never work because of our different energies, he may be in a relationship. JUST excuses, that’s all they were, and I always have them for every man I feel interest in. I use them as my protection, my reasons why it is good to never pursue.
So when she asked me “Why not? It is just coffee,” I said “Because I’m afraid.”
So simple, yet one of those movie lines that feels profound to admit. I started crying. She wanted to know if it was just that I was afraid of being rejected, but once again no, there is more to it.
When I date people, or even just really fall for people, I often feel like a totally different person. I can’t control the situation and therefore I feel as though I am loosing control over myself, and letting my emotions run wild. I prefer instead to remain in a state where my feelings and actions are controllable.
I don’t know that girl, the one who has romantic feelings for another. All her thoughts end up revolving around that person, that relationship. If things are not going well, she panics, she hates herself, she hurts herself. She goes to dangerous physical and emotional places, she wants to run or hide, but wherever she goes the fear and hatred follow her. Yes that is about rejection, but it can happen even when things are going well. I loose the things that are most important to me. I become codependent.
Much of these feelings come from a history of being terribly led on, before I understood what that looked like, and how to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Then add in that many of my friends and family members get stuck in not the nicest of partnerships, and that dating just looks cruel too many times. These are good, strong people and they too get caught up in it all. I feel that I don’t stand a chance and I’m not sure I want to deal with all the bullshit. Is it really worth it? Does it really have to be so hard?
After I stopped crying, my doctor told me there was nothing to get upset about, that she wasn’t going to “push me out of the nest,” until I felt ready. But she said that we need to start talking about it. Clearly the very act of looking into dating is very upsetting to me and I first need to learn to talk about it. So here I am sharing with you, because I believe this is just another side to my healing, always entangling with my vaginismus.
I left our session feeling pretty gross about myself, as though I had failed at something that come so naturally to others. I felt in that moment that I would never have the courage to date, even within my own comfort level, because I currently have no comfort level. I often am unsure why anyone would want to date me in the first place. When I like someone I am socially awkward, I can’t hold a proper conversation, I am constantly worried about what happens when they find out about all my sexual intricacies. Who would want to date a woman with vaginismus, who has no sexual confidence, and to the unforgiving eye looks “crazy” in so many other ways? If given a chance I know that I have so much to offer as a romantic partner, but in the beginning I am more focused on everything I don’t have, and can’t offer.
The thing is, I know that I will be able to eventually handle all of this. I know that I will heal from my disorder, I know that already therapy has made drastic changes to my life and perspectives and I know that with help I can figure dating out as well. I also know that the right men are out there, if I stand my ground.
You will be hearing more on the subject as I explore further, but for now I must leave you with this somewhat depressing post. Just hang in there. I’ve admitted the problem, and funny enough, once I start admitting something, it starts on a journey all its own that end in discovery and acceptance. This could be a tough one, but it will be worth figuring out.
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
My immediate response was no, and I started becoming very anxious as she continued to ask me very routine questions. At first excuses ran through my head-I work with him and don’t want any complication, I think one of my other friends might have a thing for him, it just would never work because of our different energies, he may be in a relationship. JUST excuses, that’s all they were, and I always have them for every man I feel interest in. I use them as my protection, my reasons why it is good to never pursue.
So when she asked me “Why not? It is just coffee,” I said “Because I’m afraid.”
So simple, yet one of those movie lines that feels profound to admit. I started crying. She wanted to know if it was just that I was afraid of being rejected, but once again no, there is more to it.
When I date people, or even just really fall for people, I often feel like a totally different person. I can’t control the situation and therefore I feel as though I am loosing control over myself, and letting my emotions run wild. I prefer instead to remain in a state where my feelings and actions are controllable.
I don’t know that girl, the one who has romantic feelings for another. All her thoughts end up revolving around that person, that relationship. If things are not going well, she panics, she hates herself, she hurts herself. She goes to dangerous physical and emotional places, she wants to run or hide, but wherever she goes the fear and hatred follow her. Yes that is about rejection, but it can happen even when things are going well. I loose the things that are most important to me. I become codependent.
Much of these feelings come from a history of being terribly led on, before I understood what that looked like, and how to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Then add in that many of my friends and family members get stuck in not the nicest of partnerships, and that dating just looks cruel too many times. These are good, strong people and they too get caught up in it all. I feel that I don’t stand a chance and I’m not sure I want to deal with all the bullshit. Is it really worth it? Does it really have to be so hard?
After I stopped crying, my doctor told me there was nothing to get upset about, that she wasn’t going to “push me out of the nest,” until I felt ready. But she said that we need to start talking about it. Clearly the very act of looking into dating is very upsetting to me and I first need to learn to talk about it. So here I am sharing with you, because I believe this is just another side to my healing, always entangling with my vaginismus.
I left our session feeling pretty gross about myself, as though I had failed at something that come so naturally to others. I felt in that moment that I would never have the courage to date, even within my own comfort level, because I currently have no comfort level. I often am unsure why anyone would want to date me in the first place. When I like someone I am socially awkward, I can’t hold a proper conversation, I am constantly worried about what happens when they find out about all my sexual intricacies. Who would want to date a woman with vaginismus, who has no sexual confidence, and to the unforgiving eye looks “crazy” in so many other ways? If given a chance I know that I have so much to offer as a romantic partner, but in the beginning I am more focused on everything I don’t have, and can’t offer.
The thing is, I know that I will be able to eventually handle all of this. I know that I will heal from my disorder, I know that already therapy has made drastic changes to my life and perspectives and I know that with help I can figure dating out as well. I also know that the right men are out there, if I stand my ground.
You will be hearing more on the subject as I explore further, but for now I must leave you with this somewhat depressing post. Just hang in there. I’ve admitted the problem, and funny enough, once I start admitting something, it starts on a journey all its own that end in discovery and acceptance. This could be a tough one, but it will be worth figuring out.
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com