I recently had to accompany two young girls and their father to the doctors. I figured they would leave me in the waiting room, but nope, in I went, but comforted myself by saying it couldn’t be any worse than going to the doctor for myself. Wrong again. The images from that day have been flashing my brain ever since. I do not know what the solution to the following scenario should be, but I do know as a once little girl myself, who has grown into a woman with vaginismus, we must proceed with caution and sensitivity when it comes to the bodies of children.
After getting her eyes, ears, mouth, lungs checked and the doctor feeling about her chest and rib cage with the stethoscope, the only thing left to check is her vaginal area, or “private parts,” as the doctor calls them. As soon as the little girl comprehends what is coming, she curls up against her father, saying “I don’t want him to go down there.”
The doctor makes a point of asking the Dad if it is okay for him to go “down there,” in order to check and make sure everything is healthy, a question the father is too busy with the other daughter to actually answer.
So the doctor lays her down as she protests, struggles, and cries, pulling down her pants and underwear and doing a quick check with very little touching before replacing her clothing.
I want so badly to step in, to stop him.
As an adult I know she needs the check-up, but I am taken back to just how scary those moments were for me, and the loss of control and discomfort involved.
After it is over, the girl immediately nuzzles close to her father again as she shoots dirty looks at the doctor.
The doctor then explains, very loudly, as a prepared speech, that the only reason he is allowed to check down there is because he asked permission and that only people who get permission can go down there.
I appreciate this sentiment, and the attempt at making the little girl feel as though the situation was in her control, but to be honest, it never was. The procedure was abrupt, not fully realized, and lacked compassion and patience. She is a smart girl and this was a new doctor for her. I know that he probably has many more patients to see and might not have the time to exert to coaxing or fully explaining the situation to each child, but if we want to protect and empower girls from a young age I truly believe they must be in control of their own bodies. This applies to all children, and not only to their sexual organ, but to their entire body. There needs to be more time taken to develop trust, through explanation and permission truly granted. All sexual and bodily experiences in the developing child should be respected. I know from experience that children are not a science and can often be extremely difficult, but I do believe that with a little time and practice we can help and not hurt the situation.
As I watch her barefoot, nervous, and defensive self on the paper covered metal table I want to cry with her, imagining what I might have felt as a small child in her place, and how much damage this would have caused the little girl in me with vaginismus. As the doctor and father talk over the general health of both children, I quietly approach and ask if she wants to come sit on the chairs with me. She wraps her arms around me and I tell her how brave she is and how the doctor was trying to help and wanted to make sure she was healthy all over. Maybe too little, too late. Putting on her socks, shoes, and sweater as she sits in a daze, I was sad for so many little girls and boys feeling confused, ignored, and sometimes very scared, and wishing I could make it better.
Just another reason for me to keep sharing and healing myself. Our voices in the dialogue matter. We won’t solve anything if we can’t even voice it out loud.
Thank you for reading and caring. Please feel free to reach out to me. mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
After getting her eyes, ears, mouth, lungs checked and the doctor feeling about her chest and rib cage with the stethoscope, the only thing left to check is her vaginal area, or “private parts,” as the doctor calls them. As soon as the little girl comprehends what is coming, she curls up against her father, saying “I don’t want him to go down there.”
The doctor makes a point of asking the Dad if it is okay for him to go “down there,” in order to check and make sure everything is healthy, a question the father is too busy with the other daughter to actually answer.
So the doctor lays her down as she protests, struggles, and cries, pulling down her pants and underwear and doing a quick check with very little touching before replacing her clothing.
I want so badly to step in, to stop him.
As an adult I know she needs the check-up, but I am taken back to just how scary those moments were for me, and the loss of control and discomfort involved.
After it is over, the girl immediately nuzzles close to her father again as she shoots dirty looks at the doctor.
The doctor then explains, very loudly, as a prepared speech, that the only reason he is allowed to check down there is because he asked permission and that only people who get permission can go down there.
I appreciate this sentiment, and the attempt at making the little girl feel as though the situation was in her control, but to be honest, it never was. The procedure was abrupt, not fully realized, and lacked compassion and patience. She is a smart girl and this was a new doctor for her. I know that he probably has many more patients to see and might not have the time to exert to coaxing or fully explaining the situation to each child, but if we want to protect and empower girls from a young age I truly believe they must be in control of their own bodies. This applies to all children, and not only to their sexual organ, but to their entire body. There needs to be more time taken to develop trust, through explanation and permission truly granted. All sexual and bodily experiences in the developing child should be respected. I know from experience that children are not a science and can often be extremely difficult, but I do believe that with a little time and practice we can help and not hurt the situation.
As I watch her barefoot, nervous, and defensive self on the paper covered metal table I want to cry with her, imagining what I might have felt as a small child in her place, and how much damage this would have caused the little girl in me with vaginismus. As the doctor and father talk over the general health of both children, I quietly approach and ask if she wants to come sit on the chairs with me. She wraps her arms around me and I tell her how brave she is and how the doctor was trying to help and wanted to make sure she was healthy all over. Maybe too little, too late. Putting on her socks, shoes, and sweater as she sits in a daze, I was sad for so many little girls and boys feeling confused, ignored, and sometimes very scared, and wishing I could make it better.
Just another reason for me to keep sharing and healing myself. Our voices in the dialogue matter. We won’t solve anything if we can’t even voice it out loud.
Thank you for reading and caring. Please feel free to reach out to me. mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com