I remember the first day I got my period, I thought I had pooped my pants. (There is no pretty way of saying that!) I was in seventh grade and had been taught that I would get my period, and yet the possibility of it happening remained far from my mind. I pulled down my underwear when I got home from school to see all this dried up brown stuff.
“How did I poop my pants and not even notice?”
I panicked and yelled for my mom to come quick. Now in my house, one isn’t allowed to say the word “poop,” and so I told my nurse mom that I had “moved my bowls in my pants,” and showed her the situation.
She became very serious and happy.
“You have become a woman. I am so proud of you.”
….
Then I knew.
This was my period?!
I started crying.
I wasn’t angry or sad, just incredibly overwhelmed. I have never been great with change, especially sudden, personal change. This was both. It changed who I was and how I would live part of my life from then on. And yet once I settled into the routine of wearing pads for a week each month I was fine. It became just another part of daily life, with some mild physical irritations and a modicum of anxiety. That is, until I needed to go swimming that summer.
I had yet to attempt using a tampon, and was a bit nervous, but my mom reassured me that it was a very simple thing that would be much more convenient and comfortable than pads. Standing with on leg up on the toilet seat I positioned the tampon as taught, and gently pushed the end.
Nothing happened.
I repositioned, but I definitely had the correct placement.
Same thing.
And again.
Maybe it just needed one swift motion.
Maybe with a little force it would pop right in.
I felt the tampon move and got excited thinking that it had worked.
But in my hand was the tampon and applicator. Separated.
Instead of the tampon going forward into my vagina, it had stayed in place and the applicator had moved backward.
I went out to my mom to admit failure.
Getting more frustrated and upset as time passed.
She likewise was getting annoyed. What could possibly be the problem? This was supposed to be so simple.
She demonstrated to me again on herself, clothed.
My results continued in the same way until I broke down in angry tears.
If it was so simple, what was wrong with me?
From then on each time I tried, about twice a year, the outcome was the same, until finally I gave up completely.
I have never used tampons. At summer camp, where I took swim class every day, my first method was to wear a pad in my bathing suite and little cotton shorts over that to conceal the inevitable bulge. My friends found this ridiculous and unbelievable. Why didn’t I just use a tampon? It was so much easier? No one intended it, but it just felt like further ridicule of my own failure and freakdom.
This method was very uncomfortable, because the pad would get so large and full of water, like wearing a wet diaper. (I would know from my bed wetting days. I wore pull-ups into my middle school years). So eventually I came up with a new method of changing into my bathing suite and immediately going swimming with no protection. My period would go undetected while in the water and I would swim as long as I liked, and change back into my clothes as soon as I got out. On lighter flow days I could also wear a panty liner in my bathing suite to lay out, and take it off before going swimming. This is the system I use to this day, and while it can be stressful as I worry about leakage, and time consuming with the amount of bathroom trips, it allows me to live a more full life during the summer months.
I have come to terms with this way of doing things, but for the longest time I would constantly get angry at myself each time my period roled around and got in my way. I felt more troubled each time I failed to use a tampon. And like so many sexual experiences of my life the question became, what is wrong with me?
Interestingly, I became more forgiving once I got diagnosed with vaginismus. It all made sense. The tampons were just another form of penetration and my body felt the need to protect me from that. My vagina blocks penises, fingers, tampons, and anything that would attempt to get inside of it.
Not all women with vaginismus have trouble with tampons. Some people have been using tampons their whole life and yet sex is impossible. Every single one of us is different and needs to figure out our own bodies and needs. In fact, maybe some women experience the opposite, sex is okay, but tampons are troublesome.
Today, I am glad I don’t use tampons and never became dependent on them. On a personal level, the concept of stopping up what is naturally meant to come out feels counterproductive and unnatural. It may sound ridiculous to some, but I want to bleed as freely as possible. That is my choice as a woman, and each of us should have this choice: to find the way of handling our periods that is most comfortable for us. That will be different for each person.
A big influence on my point of view was the book The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. I read it in high school and was captivated by the ideas it presented. Women who live together, all on the same cycle, coming together during their periods. To the men it was a way of keeping themselves clean from what they believed was dirty, but little did they know that the woman used this opportunity to celebrate and worship in their own female way. While there is plenty in the world of the bible and this book’s recreated scenarios that I disagree with, I am in love with the idea of women allowing their bodies to function naturally, freely, and comfortably.
It has taken me years, but today when I see my period I greet it happily as a sign of the life within and a gift I will have for years to come. Of course plenty of the symptoms that come along with my period are annoying and uncomfortable, even painful at times, but I am patient and try to remember gratitude. I am also still not immune to embarrassment, but once a month I get the opportunity to work on getting past that. In turn I have become more protective of other women and standing up for our rights to have our bodies function properly. And one day I want to teach my own little children, boys and girls, to embrace the natural, beautiful, unique aspects of their bodies. No shame necessary.
Questions or thoughts? healingvaginismus@gmail.com
“How did I poop my pants and not even notice?”
I panicked and yelled for my mom to come quick. Now in my house, one isn’t allowed to say the word “poop,” and so I told my nurse mom that I had “moved my bowls in my pants,” and showed her the situation.
She became very serious and happy.
“You have become a woman. I am so proud of you.”
….
Then I knew.
This was my period?!
I started crying.
I wasn’t angry or sad, just incredibly overwhelmed. I have never been great with change, especially sudden, personal change. This was both. It changed who I was and how I would live part of my life from then on. And yet once I settled into the routine of wearing pads for a week each month I was fine. It became just another part of daily life, with some mild physical irritations and a modicum of anxiety. That is, until I needed to go swimming that summer.
I had yet to attempt using a tampon, and was a bit nervous, but my mom reassured me that it was a very simple thing that would be much more convenient and comfortable than pads. Standing with on leg up on the toilet seat I positioned the tampon as taught, and gently pushed the end.
Nothing happened.
I repositioned, but I definitely had the correct placement.
Same thing.
And again.
Maybe it just needed one swift motion.
Maybe with a little force it would pop right in.
I felt the tampon move and got excited thinking that it had worked.
But in my hand was the tampon and applicator. Separated.
Instead of the tampon going forward into my vagina, it had stayed in place and the applicator had moved backward.
I went out to my mom to admit failure.
Getting more frustrated and upset as time passed.
She likewise was getting annoyed. What could possibly be the problem? This was supposed to be so simple.
She demonstrated to me again on herself, clothed.
My results continued in the same way until I broke down in angry tears.
If it was so simple, what was wrong with me?
From then on each time I tried, about twice a year, the outcome was the same, until finally I gave up completely.
I have never used tampons. At summer camp, where I took swim class every day, my first method was to wear a pad in my bathing suite and little cotton shorts over that to conceal the inevitable bulge. My friends found this ridiculous and unbelievable. Why didn’t I just use a tampon? It was so much easier? No one intended it, but it just felt like further ridicule of my own failure and freakdom.
This method was very uncomfortable, because the pad would get so large and full of water, like wearing a wet diaper. (I would know from my bed wetting days. I wore pull-ups into my middle school years). So eventually I came up with a new method of changing into my bathing suite and immediately going swimming with no protection. My period would go undetected while in the water and I would swim as long as I liked, and change back into my clothes as soon as I got out. On lighter flow days I could also wear a panty liner in my bathing suite to lay out, and take it off before going swimming. This is the system I use to this day, and while it can be stressful as I worry about leakage, and time consuming with the amount of bathroom trips, it allows me to live a more full life during the summer months.
I have come to terms with this way of doing things, but for the longest time I would constantly get angry at myself each time my period roled around and got in my way. I felt more troubled each time I failed to use a tampon. And like so many sexual experiences of my life the question became, what is wrong with me?
Interestingly, I became more forgiving once I got diagnosed with vaginismus. It all made sense. The tampons were just another form of penetration and my body felt the need to protect me from that. My vagina blocks penises, fingers, tampons, and anything that would attempt to get inside of it.
Not all women with vaginismus have trouble with tampons. Some people have been using tampons their whole life and yet sex is impossible. Every single one of us is different and needs to figure out our own bodies and needs. In fact, maybe some women experience the opposite, sex is okay, but tampons are troublesome.
Today, I am glad I don’t use tampons and never became dependent on them. On a personal level, the concept of stopping up what is naturally meant to come out feels counterproductive and unnatural. It may sound ridiculous to some, but I want to bleed as freely as possible. That is my choice as a woman, and each of us should have this choice: to find the way of handling our periods that is most comfortable for us. That will be different for each person.
A big influence on my point of view was the book The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. I read it in high school and was captivated by the ideas it presented. Women who live together, all on the same cycle, coming together during their periods. To the men it was a way of keeping themselves clean from what they believed was dirty, but little did they know that the woman used this opportunity to celebrate and worship in their own female way. While there is plenty in the world of the bible and this book’s recreated scenarios that I disagree with, I am in love with the idea of women allowing their bodies to function naturally, freely, and comfortably.
It has taken me years, but today when I see my period I greet it happily as a sign of the life within and a gift I will have for years to come. Of course plenty of the symptoms that come along with my period are annoying and uncomfortable, even painful at times, but I am patient and try to remember gratitude. I am also still not immune to embarrassment, but once a month I get the opportunity to work on getting past that. In turn I have become more protective of other women and standing up for our rights to have our bodies function properly. And one day I want to teach my own little children, boys and girls, to embrace the natural, beautiful, unique aspects of their bodies. No shame necessary.
Questions or thoughts? healingvaginismus@gmail.com