A few weeks of ups and downs for my physical healing, but I think over all it is still going really well, even if it does not occur as frequently as I would like. As always, I have included excerpts from my journal below.
Wow! Tonight I used the smallest size of the dilator and it went really well. It was almost easy. After warming up with my normal round of kegel and then penetration with my finger, I inserted the dilator. It was even easier than my finger, I think because, even though it is slightly larger than my finger, it is smoother and slides in and out easier. I pulled it in and out eight times. I then left it in and did the kegel tightening and relaxing. That is when I learned how uncomfortable it was with my vagina muscles tightened. It was not full pain, but if I had been trying to take the dilator in or out with the muscles tightened it would have really hurt. I begin to understand why vaginismus can be so painful.
I think there is something special about using my finger before the dilator. This allows me to touch and feel the inside in a way I won’t be able to with the dilator. It brings a different kind of awareness.
I moved on briefly to using the next size up of the dilator. It went in fine, but once in, I was more aware of it. So I decided to just leave it there for a short amount of time, but did not do any sort of exercise.
I was reminded of T tonight, which is bound to happen sometimes, since he is the person I managed to have sex with before and sometimes the sensations are similar.
I was surprised at the moisture I found inside my vagina when using the dilator. I don’t remember it being like this when I was doing my physical healing years ago. I think this might be due to the fact that now I am taking my time, whereas years ago everything was rushed. I am enjoying this slower, easier, less pressure version of healing so much more.
It hurt a bit more to clench my muscles with the smallest dilator today. I want to be careful with this knowledge.
I did my physical healing two days in a row. Sometimes I feel bloated after. It’s mild and not painful. I think about how my vagina is just not used to having anything inside it.
Depression is hard on vaginismus I have found. It is difficult to find the motivation. In those moments I can’t help but think “what’s the point anyways?”
Thank you for reading and I will be back again soon with my next updates.
Questions, thoughts, need someone to share with, do not hesitate to reach out to me: healingvaginismus@gmail.com
Wow! Tonight I used the smallest size of the dilator and it went really well. It was almost easy. After warming up with my normal round of kegel and then penetration with my finger, I inserted the dilator. It was even easier than my finger, I think because, even though it is slightly larger than my finger, it is smoother and slides in and out easier. I pulled it in and out eight times. I then left it in and did the kegel tightening and relaxing. That is when I learned how uncomfortable it was with my vagina muscles tightened. It was not full pain, but if I had been trying to take the dilator in or out with the muscles tightened it would have really hurt. I begin to understand why vaginismus can be so painful.
I think there is something special about using my finger before the dilator. This allows me to touch and feel the inside in a way I won’t be able to with the dilator. It brings a different kind of awareness.
I moved on briefly to using the next size up of the dilator. It went in fine, but once in, I was more aware of it. So I decided to just leave it there for a short amount of time, but did not do any sort of exercise.
I was reminded of T tonight, which is bound to happen sometimes, since he is the person I managed to have sex with before and sometimes the sensations are similar.
I was surprised at the moisture I found inside my vagina when using the dilator. I don’t remember it being like this when I was doing my physical healing years ago. I think this might be due to the fact that now I am taking my time, whereas years ago everything was rushed. I am enjoying this slower, easier, less pressure version of healing so much more.
It hurt a bit more to clench my muscles with the smallest dilator today. I want to be careful with this knowledge.
I did my physical healing two days in a row. Sometimes I feel bloated after. It’s mild and not painful. I think about how my vagina is just not used to having anything inside it.
Depression is hard on vaginismus I have found. It is difficult to find the motivation. In those moments I can’t help but think “what’s the point anyways?”
Thank you for reading and I will be back again soon with my next updates.
Questions, thoughts, need someone to share with, do not hesitate to reach out to me: healingvaginismus@gmail.com