Knowing there is a solid form, but not understanding the structure.
Knowing it is essential to my self, but not knowing exactly how.
I will tell you that writing these stories does help me to unravel the encounters
Some episodes make more sense than others.
I commit to being honest
sharing my feelings
trying to be fair.
Let me tell you that I felt like a victim at this time and for many years. Sometimes I felt more like a victim than a person and a lifetime of being stuck, made it hard to get out. I still have to actively fight against defining my past with pure victimhood. I want to identify where the label fits.
It is the summer before junior year. C and I grew up in the same state and are both staying with our families. I had began to get myself back together over the break thanks to the non-stop work schedule of juggling two restaurants and an office job, and I told myself repeatedly that C and I would be friends. Regardless of his mixed messages I was not going to interpret any words or signs as being romantic.
It helped that I had a crush on one of my co-workers. He was handsome to look at and made me laugh as he bragged about his light-saber made of real glass. We would go on a date when off from work or kiss in his parent’s pool when they weren’t home. Young and free. While I did not feel emotionally drawn to him, we seemed to both enjoy each others company. It was a good reminder that not everything has to be so complicated and that a flirtation can be fun when I feel safe.
I didn’t have much time to talk to C but he was messaging me often and wanted to see me, so after a few weeks of putting it off we went to the aquarium together. As a child, I have very fond memories of going to the aquarium with my grandma to watch the penguins and my dad taking me and my sister and insisting on reading every single plaque out loud and seeing all the tanks. It would be a cheery way to see C and the fish.
I was nervous as I waited outside by the sea lions, but didn’t want to acknowledge it.
Wandering the dark walk ways
Blue hues from the water reflecting on our faces
Around and around the spiral tank
Surrounded by my sea creature friends.
It felt nice to report on all my good news.
How I had been feeling happy, more stable,
Working hard, but saving money.
He had been hanging out with his high school friends and seemed nervous about his college transfer.
We sat on a bench by the harbor wall and the ocean was a great comfort to me.
Talking a bit about what had happened between us
I admitted how much I had liked him and how hard it had been finding out that he didn’t like me.
“It’s not that I didn’t like you. It was just complicated.”
C always spoke in a way that wasn’t quite yes, but also wasn’t no.
He spoke about how much it meant that I liked him and how he would miss hanging out.
I wish I had not taken this bait
Wiggling his way back in
But I let myself get caught again.
We hung out a second time at his house with one of his friends.
They smoked pot, went in the hot tub, and watched planet earth.
I ate a grapefruit.
We smiled a lot.
As I drove away I knew the chemistry was not in my head.
With the new school year C went off to a different state and I returned to a safer living situation with a dear friend. We talked consistently on the phone and facebook chat. There was a lot of ups and downs as I learned about my own mental health and I spent many nights wandering the streets, often after drinking. I usually called one of my best friends when having a break down, but on occasion I turned to C. Sometimes he wanted these calls and sometimes he shrugged them off. None of my friends are or should be professionals when helping me through my darker moments, but some are better than others. I asked too much of them at this time and yet they willingly offered their love. C was different, he would comfort and then scold. He liked that I was a mess and seemed to try and say the thing that would make me more dependent on him. His “emotionally complicated girl” he would say fondly. In my more lucid moments I would realize how toxic this friendship was and try to walk away. I did not succeed yet, but I like to think I was building my strength through the roller coaster. By the end of the semester I was focused on my art and school work.
I kept to the lie that we were “just friends.” Let me say that friendships can be just as deep as romance, but true friendship and love do not lead to one person consistently feeling better about themselves and the other feeling used. I don’t like the term “just friends,” but I did then.
I saw him twice over winter break. We hung out with a group of his friends at his house, playing card games and being silly. Two of his best friends were so excited to meet me and knew so much about me. I felt important to C in a new way and when he invited me to spend New Year’s Eve at a party I agreed. I repeated to my brain that this would be friends spending time together and not to expect anything, but that hope for love dies so hard. I socialized with the group and laughed a lot as we teased each other. As the night died down and people began to go to bed, he was lying beside me on the couch and I was playing with his hair. This is one action I willingly initiate. Usually I feel uncomfortable and many romantic acts feel too sexual and scary for me to overcome my anxiety, but the hair on our head is warm and intimate and feels so safe. This was me as a young woman wanting more, but being afraid. This was the ask and it worked. We ended up kissing for a long time and slept on a twin sized blow-up mattress together. It was a terrible night sleep, but I was very happy. It was not magical in any way, heartfelt words were not exchanged, and we had both been drinking, but I chose to see in this moment a new beginning. I wanted to know what it all meant?
The next morning I had to drive back to his house to get my phone charger and he met me on the front porch. I was full of shy excitement to be alone with him after what had happened. We had a normal exchange and as I went to step off the porch he said, “Look, last night meant something to me, but I think it was more special for you.” I can’t remember how I replied, but I came out of this exchange knowing that he was saying that this would go no further. The emotional spiral sucked me right back up as I tried to figure out how I kept falling for this person and getting it so wrong. That line lives on in my memory and I feel for the girl that heard it. As complicated as our relationship was and though it was never “official,” I do believe I was in love with C. It wasn’t a healthy love and now that I am familiar with my own co-dependency I know why he felt like gravity in my world. He was a young, emotionally-abusive boy who lacked confidence without romantic attention and I was a girl prone to co-dependency who was afraid she would never be loved because of how “crazy” she was. It was a perfect storm.
I will say that C was aware of what he was doing and that makes it hard to forgive his actions as those of an ignorant young man. He admitted multiple times that he liked having the attention of many women at the same time, that he had been even called out for his treatment of women by his friends, and that he enjoyed being able to jerk people around. He lied and kept secrets to ensure each girl did not find out about the others. Our lives seemed to be a game to him, and one he thought was harmless. His treatment toward me was not okay and I am still coping with the fear it has produced.
The bottom of the escape was drawing closer. We did continue to talk over the phone during the spring semester, but something was changing fast. His frat brothers had turned on him and he didn’t know why. When I inquired with a friend they told me that C had let another young woman believe that she was his girlfriend. She had even gone to visit him at his school right after winter break but when she got there he was distant and denied that he liked her. I never got the full story, but his frat brothers were good friends with this woman and cut out C for his treatment of her, me, and them. When I discovered that he had been in a relationship with this girl over winter break and never bothered to tell me, I had what I needed to finally walk away. I was not okay with the fact that we had kissed when another woman thought they were in a relationship. I was done being a part of the unknowing team of confidence boosters and security blankets. I stopped calling and let his calls go to voicemail. I gave short answers to his online messages until even those stopped.
This is when I finally began to heal from letting myself be used and came to terms with the truth of C. It was a long journey, compounded by so many other things in my young life, but the first steps were some of the hardest and I am proud of myself for taking them. Looking back I wish I had done a lot of things differently: taken better care of myself, been honest with myself and C, and gotten professional help then, instead of waiting. I realize now that I have it within myself to protect me and I am the only one who could have in this moment and I have worked since then to regain my own trust in myself.
My vaginismus is a lack of trust in my subconscious brain that I will protect my own body, it therefore takes it upon itself to protect my vagina from penetration. My brain has also developed strong protections against developing romantic relationships, especially after my time with C. I don’t trust myself to take care of me when in love. I will write more about this concept as I explore it since it is intimately intertwined with my vaginismus.
I saw C one more glorious time. I was myself and radiant once more that summer, working as a cocktail waitress and saving more and more money before my senior year and eventual move to NYC. I had an active social life. A bit wild, but a lot of fun and all new friends. One evening I was at a bar with my older cousins. C had been asking if he could see me to talk and since I had put it off, but felt safe with my family there, I invited him to join. My cousins promised to leave with me if it came to that and made me laugh when they threatened to scare him, but I promised that none of this would be necessary. C had never met any of my family or friends from home and he was surprised by their terse treatment of him and his friend. He was no longer the person in control of my emotions and in this encounter we both learned that. We laughed a bit and joked, but I was not nervous or intimidated by his presence.
The two of us took a walk and ended up back on the harbor wall from the summer before. I still think of C when I walk by that spot. For the first time I tried to be completely honest with him, because I no longer wanted to be with him and knew we could never really be friends. To this day I do not wish him ill and did not in this moment. I told him what I was working through and what faults I attributed to myself, but I also called him on his treatment of me. I told him how disrespectful he was toward most of the women he claimed as friends. He seemed genuinely sorry in the moment, but not really aware of his impact, but I was glad to share some of my thoughts coming clear. I gave him a hug goodbye before my favorite cab driver picked me up. (Side note: Charlie, was an amazing taxi driver who always picked me up from work when I needed a ride as the bars were closing. I feel grateful for my guardian cab.)
As we drove back I got a text from C:
“The whole time you were talking, all I wanted to do was kiss you.”
I laughed. I still laugh.
He would never learn. At least not in the time that I knew him.
He would always try to catch me again, but not this time.
This time I laughed and in that laughter I knew I was finally safe.
Thank you for reading! If you have questions please reach out to me at healingvaginismus@gmail.com