How to write about my past sexual experiences? Which are the most important? Should I group them based on similarity, good and bad experiences, or time period? Do I highlight the most major or consider each one? All the questions I have had to consider while trying to figure out the best way to talk about my sexual past. I decided that it is of vital importance for me to consider actual instances, that have shaped my comfort, confidence, outlook, and disorder. Vaginismus at times can become the defining element of a sexual moment and at other times seem very distant.
Every experience has taught me something specific, and some of these lessons I had to be taught more than once. Every individual has a unique way of dealing or not dealing with my disorder and has therefor had a direct affect on my experience of it. Because of this I will handle each individual I have had relations with separately. Some things may repeat themselves, but that is one of the realities I find most powerful.
I hope these instances will serve as case studies for my readers to understand what vaginismus looks like in practice at different ages and levels. Every sexual encounter has led me to the place I inhabit today, and in order to move forward with healing I must consider them all.
When it came to boys, I wasn’t very sexually active before college, in fact many won’t consider any of the following to be of a sexual nature. I only kissed two boys in high school; one kiss took place at camp and was a one time occurrence that I can’t particularly remember, the other was with someone I considered a boyfriend for over a year, but who has been my best friend for many more. We will call him S.
S tried to kiss me for the first time on a long bus ride and I didn’t kiss him back.
I was so anxious, scared, terrified actually that I wouldn’t know how or would somehow mess up…. that I froze. I just didn’t move my lips at all and left my mouth shut tight. S made two or three attempts during the drive before giving up. He wasn’t at all mean about it, but I felt AWFUL. Here was this young boy I had known for years and who I had been in a relationship with for a number of months, being brave enough to attempt this kiss and I couldn’t even reciprocate.
I thought: "He has kissed girls before! What if they turn out to be better than me and he breaks up with me?"
"If I am bad at kissing I am a worthless individual."
"I could end up alone forever."
Welcome to my 14 year old brain. But these thoughts plague me in varying degrees to this day.
The confusing part, is that earlier in the trip there had been an instance when I had had the urge to kiss him after he said something very sweet. We had both felt this moment and he had said, “I would kiss you right now, but I didn’t brush my teeth this morning.” Oh middle school!
It is sometimes difficult for me to tell when I actually don’t want something to happen, and when I do, but can’t manage to see through my anxiety. This is true in many aspects of my life, but especially during sexual acts.
I panic.
I completely shut down.
I’m not sure when this anxiety is tied to vaginismus, but I know that they are often intimately related. In an obvious way if I am feeling anxious about penetration of my vagina, my pelvic muscle will not relax, hence the vaginismus. Then there are a variety of instances like the one with S, not specifically connected to my vagina. I am anxious because I’m actually afraid, even when it is not rational and there is nothing to fear. My body, through vaginismus or otherwise, has a strong way of protecting itself that is often out of my control.
Eventually S and I did manage to kiss, or “make out,” on numerous occasions. The first time he managed it, was in my garage during my 15th birthday party,
on top of the hood of my car,
under the bright florescent work lights.
I had went in to throw out the pizza boxes, when he slammed the door behind us. He gave me a very funny teenage boy pep talk that still makes me smile and then he kissed me. I will never know what made the difference, but I actually kissed him back. Maybe it was because we were alone, or because I didn’t have as much time to get stressed, or because I had been mentally preparing. Either way this was what I consider to be my first kiss and I was thrilled that I had finally managed it.
S and I never really went further than that. He claimed that one time he touched my breast and had fond memories of it, but I have no recollection of it. I really did love S, but as a friend. I was too young to know the difference at the time, but now I know that I was never physically attracted to him. He always tasted like root beer. Kissing him eventually felt more like a chore, a duty I performed as his girlfriend, a way to tease him, or a way to get something I wanted. I didn’t know what physical attraction felt like yet and so had nothing to compare it to.
I still had to learn this lesson in a more obvious way before the important balance of emotional and physical became apparent to me. This would come in dealing with my other high school boyfriends L and M….
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
Every experience has taught me something specific, and some of these lessons I had to be taught more than once. Every individual has a unique way of dealing or not dealing with my disorder and has therefor had a direct affect on my experience of it. Because of this I will handle each individual I have had relations with separately. Some things may repeat themselves, but that is one of the realities I find most powerful.
I hope these instances will serve as case studies for my readers to understand what vaginismus looks like in practice at different ages and levels. Every sexual encounter has led me to the place I inhabit today, and in order to move forward with healing I must consider them all.
When it came to boys, I wasn’t very sexually active before college, in fact many won’t consider any of the following to be of a sexual nature. I only kissed two boys in high school; one kiss took place at camp and was a one time occurrence that I can’t particularly remember, the other was with someone I considered a boyfriend for over a year, but who has been my best friend for many more. We will call him S.
S tried to kiss me for the first time on a long bus ride and I didn’t kiss him back.
I was so anxious, scared, terrified actually that I wouldn’t know how or would somehow mess up…. that I froze. I just didn’t move my lips at all and left my mouth shut tight. S made two or three attempts during the drive before giving up. He wasn’t at all mean about it, but I felt AWFUL. Here was this young boy I had known for years and who I had been in a relationship with for a number of months, being brave enough to attempt this kiss and I couldn’t even reciprocate.
I thought: "He has kissed girls before! What if they turn out to be better than me and he breaks up with me?"
"If I am bad at kissing I am a worthless individual."
"I could end up alone forever."
Welcome to my 14 year old brain. But these thoughts plague me in varying degrees to this day.
The confusing part, is that earlier in the trip there had been an instance when I had had the urge to kiss him after he said something very sweet. We had both felt this moment and he had said, “I would kiss you right now, but I didn’t brush my teeth this morning.” Oh middle school!
It is sometimes difficult for me to tell when I actually don’t want something to happen, and when I do, but can’t manage to see through my anxiety. This is true in many aspects of my life, but especially during sexual acts.
I panic.
I completely shut down.
I’m not sure when this anxiety is tied to vaginismus, but I know that they are often intimately related. In an obvious way if I am feeling anxious about penetration of my vagina, my pelvic muscle will not relax, hence the vaginismus. Then there are a variety of instances like the one with S, not specifically connected to my vagina. I am anxious because I’m actually afraid, even when it is not rational and there is nothing to fear. My body, through vaginismus or otherwise, has a strong way of protecting itself that is often out of my control.
Eventually S and I did manage to kiss, or “make out,” on numerous occasions. The first time he managed it, was in my garage during my 15th birthday party,
on top of the hood of my car,
under the bright florescent work lights.
I had went in to throw out the pizza boxes, when he slammed the door behind us. He gave me a very funny teenage boy pep talk that still makes me smile and then he kissed me. I will never know what made the difference, but I actually kissed him back. Maybe it was because we were alone, or because I didn’t have as much time to get stressed, or because I had been mentally preparing. Either way this was what I consider to be my first kiss and I was thrilled that I had finally managed it.
S and I never really went further than that. He claimed that one time he touched my breast and had fond memories of it, but I have no recollection of it. I really did love S, but as a friend. I was too young to know the difference at the time, but now I know that I was never physically attracted to him. He always tasted like root beer. Kissing him eventually felt more like a chore, a duty I performed as his girlfriend, a way to tease him, or a way to get something I wanted. I didn’t know what physical attraction felt like yet and so had nothing to compare it to.
I still had to learn this lesson in a more obvious way before the important balance of emotional and physical became apparent to me. This would come in dealing with my other high school boyfriends L and M….
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com