Initial Reactions:
After finding out about my vaginismus I remember calling T in the car. I was too upset to talk to him and said I would have to explain later, but that I was okay. I can’t recall the wording I used or how I even began to describe what was wrong, since I knew very little at first and didn’t have the courage to find out more about the disorder. I do remember that our sexual relationship did not change much at first, (after all I still couldn’t have sex) but the way we thought about things did change from “If it is possible,” to “When it is possible.” There was something to work toward and if the countless success stories proved true, I could find a cure.
In those first weeks I could only think of my own needs and confusion with regards to the diagnosis. One night, on the phone, T mentioned that he had been talking to one of his friends about the situation. At first I felt defensive and jumped to the conclusion that he had been complaining about me, but that wasn’t it at all. I couldn’t make sense at first of the fact that he had just needed to console in someone about a problem that I considered to be entirely mine. After pushing for a further explanation, he begrudgingly admitted that he felt that this disorder was his fault.
How could he possibly think that?
He saw it as a problem with his own sexual skills. He thought that, in spite of everything I had told him, that if he could truly arouse me that this disorder wouldn’t stand a chance. And so he thought the real blame was on him. I felt so sad for him in that moment. Of any of my sexual partners T had been the best. We were so attracted and I wanted so badly to have sex with him, both for his pleasure and my own desire, that I couldn’t understand how he didn’t know that.
That is the tricky thing for many women who have vaginismus, while being with someone you trust and are attracted to is important, at the end of the day it makes very little difference until you can actually train your vagina to function properly. It can’t be stated too often that most women have no control over their vagina’s physical reaction.
At that time I was realizing just the extent of my own disorder. I had been living with it my whole life, or longer than I can remember, and still to this day the more I examine, the more instances I can find from my past that point toward vaginismus. I had been turned on by quite a few people and disrespected and misunderstood by all of my previous sexual partners, mostly because I didn’t know how to protect myself. My body was saying “no” for me without ever asking my permission.
In that phone call I explained to T that while I wanted sex with him more than I ever had before, it simply could not happen until I put my vagina through physical therapy to train it to relax during penetration. I needed to be with someone I trusted and I wanted to do this with him, but that he was in no way responsible for what had been put there in the first place.
Even in those strange times, I remember telling him how special this would be. How no matter how long I lived or what happened between us he would always be the one who helped me through my vaginismus. In my mind I thought if we could share that, we could share anything. This seemed to ease his mind and he never freaked out in the same way again.
When telling my roommate about the conversation, she also admitted to having talked to someone at her work about what I was going through. She explained that from her end, knowing about my vaginismus was confusing and hard to understand since she had never heard of such a thing.
The fact that such a seemingly mysterious disorder can exist without many people being aware is pretty scary at times, even for me. Those closest to me have always had mixed reactions and often want to help, but don’t know how. Feeling that powerless is difficult, especially for a romantic partner. In the end I was glad T had the courage to admit these things in his own words and that he had a friend he could trust enough to talk to.
Physical Work:
I was very lucky to have a boyfriend that could keep me positive and motivated, while still allowing me to set my own pace for my physical healing. The first time I used my dilator he was actually there with me and I developed a habit of using it while I was on the phone with him. this served a few purposes:
That first time I used the smallest size of my dilator with him there, seemed to be crucial to comprehending just how real this disorder was and how sensitive I was to the slightest change in size, direction, and pressure. That first size was tiny (about the size of my pinky finger) and I really had to breath, take it slow, and relax to get it in. Looking back, I don’t know how it didn’t feel more impossible. I think I was just so excited to have put something up my vagina for the first time. It gave me hope.
Using the dilator was not very painful, since the whole idea is to avoid pain at all costs, so as not to reinforce the disorder. It was necessary for me to take it at the speed my body demanded, which was usually slow. While I desperately wanted to have sex, I knew that rushing things could cause even more damage.
Trying Together:
Each time I would see T we would attempt to put his penis inside of me. To be clear, this wasn’t us attempting to have sex, but just our way of seeing if any progress had been made together. The first few times this only amounted to him lightly pressing the tip of his penis gently against the entrance of my vagina. Even this small action would feel huge and cause all the muscles to clench, forcing us to stop. Each time it would feel like he had put in a few inches, when in reality he usually hadn’t gotten in at all.
These attempts at penetration worked because I completely trusted T, even if my vagina and subconscious didn’t trust anyone, including myself. I knew as soon as I said the word he would stop, no questions asked. As heightened as his desire might be, he was always able to keep control of himself. In fact I remember on most occasions that I would get much more frustrated than he would. T is one example of a man that could support and help me through vaginismus. They are out there. (We will talk about others in later posts. I promise.)
Know that every partner will respond differently to vaginismus, just like every woman who has the disorder has a unique experience. It can be a frustrating, confusing, emotional time for both sides of any relationship. In spite of that, the woman with vaginismus should never feel pressure to do more than her body comfortably can. In fact any woman or man, disorder or not, should only ever do what they feel physically and emotionally safe to do. No exceptions. No excuses needed. No matter what the other person says, there is no sexual act that is a given. There is nothing wrong with only doing the things in your personal comfort zone.
This is something I have to strive and struggle to remember, no matter who I am with. I want to be my own best defense, so that my disorder doesn’t feel the need to force protection upon me. Even with someone as patient as T this was a skill I had to learn on my own.
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
After finding out about my vaginismus I remember calling T in the car. I was too upset to talk to him and said I would have to explain later, but that I was okay. I can’t recall the wording I used or how I even began to describe what was wrong, since I knew very little at first and didn’t have the courage to find out more about the disorder. I do remember that our sexual relationship did not change much at first, (after all I still couldn’t have sex) but the way we thought about things did change from “If it is possible,” to “When it is possible.” There was something to work toward and if the countless success stories proved true, I could find a cure.
In those first weeks I could only think of my own needs and confusion with regards to the diagnosis. One night, on the phone, T mentioned that he had been talking to one of his friends about the situation. At first I felt defensive and jumped to the conclusion that he had been complaining about me, but that wasn’t it at all. I couldn’t make sense at first of the fact that he had just needed to console in someone about a problem that I considered to be entirely mine. After pushing for a further explanation, he begrudgingly admitted that he felt that this disorder was his fault.
How could he possibly think that?
He saw it as a problem with his own sexual skills. He thought that, in spite of everything I had told him, that if he could truly arouse me that this disorder wouldn’t stand a chance. And so he thought the real blame was on him. I felt so sad for him in that moment. Of any of my sexual partners T had been the best. We were so attracted and I wanted so badly to have sex with him, both for his pleasure and my own desire, that I couldn’t understand how he didn’t know that.
That is the tricky thing for many women who have vaginismus, while being with someone you trust and are attracted to is important, at the end of the day it makes very little difference until you can actually train your vagina to function properly. It can’t be stated too often that most women have no control over their vagina’s physical reaction.
At that time I was realizing just the extent of my own disorder. I had been living with it my whole life, or longer than I can remember, and still to this day the more I examine, the more instances I can find from my past that point toward vaginismus. I had been turned on by quite a few people and disrespected and misunderstood by all of my previous sexual partners, mostly because I didn’t know how to protect myself. My body was saying “no” for me without ever asking my permission.
In that phone call I explained to T that while I wanted sex with him more than I ever had before, it simply could not happen until I put my vagina through physical therapy to train it to relax during penetration. I needed to be with someone I trusted and I wanted to do this with him, but that he was in no way responsible for what had been put there in the first place.
Even in those strange times, I remember telling him how special this would be. How no matter how long I lived or what happened between us he would always be the one who helped me through my vaginismus. In my mind I thought if we could share that, we could share anything. This seemed to ease his mind and he never freaked out in the same way again.
When telling my roommate about the conversation, she also admitted to having talked to someone at her work about what I was going through. She explained that from her end, knowing about my vaginismus was confusing and hard to understand since she had never heard of such a thing.
The fact that such a seemingly mysterious disorder can exist without many people being aware is pretty scary at times, even for me. Those closest to me have always had mixed reactions and often want to help, but don’t know how. Feeling that powerless is difficult, especially for a romantic partner. In the end I was glad T had the courage to admit these things in his own words and that he had a friend he could trust enough to talk to.
Physical Work:
I was very lucky to have a boyfriend that could keep me positive and motivated, while still allowing me to set my own pace for my physical healing. The first time I used my dilator he was actually there with me and I developed a habit of using it while I was on the phone with him. this served a few purposes:
- It helped me to make sure I actually use the dilator regularly, since we were on the phone a lot due to our long times apart.
- It gave me a distraction and support system during the therapy. It often made me very sad and frustrated if things were not moving as quickly as I would have liked, but with him there on the other end of the phone it made it seem more manageable.
- It gave T a better understanding and an appreciation for what I was going through.
That first time I used the smallest size of my dilator with him there, seemed to be crucial to comprehending just how real this disorder was and how sensitive I was to the slightest change in size, direction, and pressure. That first size was tiny (about the size of my pinky finger) and I really had to breath, take it slow, and relax to get it in. Looking back, I don’t know how it didn’t feel more impossible. I think I was just so excited to have put something up my vagina for the first time. It gave me hope.
Using the dilator was not very painful, since the whole idea is to avoid pain at all costs, so as not to reinforce the disorder. It was necessary for me to take it at the speed my body demanded, which was usually slow. While I desperately wanted to have sex, I knew that rushing things could cause even more damage.
Trying Together:
Each time I would see T we would attempt to put his penis inside of me. To be clear, this wasn’t us attempting to have sex, but just our way of seeing if any progress had been made together. The first few times this only amounted to him lightly pressing the tip of his penis gently against the entrance of my vagina. Even this small action would feel huge and cause all the muscles to clench, forcing us to stop. Each time it would feel like he had put in a few inches, when in reality he usually hadn’t gotten in at all.
These attempts at penetration worked because I completely trusted T, even if my vagina and subconscious didn’t trust anyone, including myself. I knew as soon as I said the word he would stop, no questions asked. As heightened as his desire might be, he was always able to keep control of himself. In fact I remember on most occasions that I would get much more frustrated than he would. T is one example of a man that could support and help me through vaginismus. They are out there. (We will talk about others in later posts. I promise.)
Know that every partner will respond differently to vaginismus, just like every woman who has the disorder has a unique experience. It can be a frustrating, confusing, emotional time for both sides of any relationship. In spite of that, the woman with vaginismus should never feel pressure to do more than her body comfortably can. In fact any woman or man, disorder or not, should only ever do what they feel physically and emotionally safe to do. No exceptions. No excuses needed. No matter what the other person says, there is no sexual act that is a given. There is nothing wrong with only doing the things in your personal comfort zone.
This is something I have to strive and struggle to remember, no matter who I am with. I want to be my own best defense, so that my disorder doesn’t feel the need to force protection upon me. Even with someone as patient as T this was a skill I had to learn on my own.
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to contact me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com