Around the time I started researching how to go about my physical healing, I also read The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler (see post Excerpt from The Vagina Monologues: Saying "Vagina" for one of my favorite sections). In one section the author talks about what it was like for women to look at their vaginas for the first time, and it struck me….I also have never looked at my vagina. Yes I have looked at it from above, but never with a mirror to really see the entirety.
So I decided the most logical place to start my physical therapy was by looking at my vagina. A romantic relationship only works for me if I get to know a person really well before trying anything sexual. I need to find trust in that individual and I can only do that by spending time with him. Why should it be any different with my vagina? How can my vagina trust me if we don’t get to know each other? We must trust each other and that will only come through knowing and practice.
To some people this might sounds over the top, but I am an artist and a very spiritual person who believes strongly in the connection between body, mind, and emotions. Looking back now I realize that one of the issues with the first time I tried to heal from my vaginismus, was my sole focus on the physical side of things. I wasn’t in therapy, I was in a rush, and the one goal was to have sex as soon as possible. But I think this time around a stronger and truer sense of healing will come from addressing all sides of my disorder.
It can be terrifying to see one's sexual organs for the first time. As can be expected each woman has her own believes, misconceptions, and phobias she has collected through her life. Yet for many of us, if we can not bring ourselves to see, we will never truly get the courage to go further. I do believe that every person should get to know all their different parts in order to feel empowered in their own body and whatever your personal, sexual history it won't hurt to see the organ that is so central to existence.
Here are some un-edited excerpts from my journal of what I experienced when I began looking:
I am about to look at my vagina for the first time and I am afraid. Of what? What if I think it is ugly? What if it grosses
me out? What if it looks “weird?” Also though….how have I gone 27 years without seeing a part of my own body?
Wow…she is actually so beautiful and fascinating (Yes. My first response after looking.)
I learned more about why I might have physical discomfort when a penis enters. One of my lips is rather large and can be pushed in. And when spread apart a piece of skin at the bottom gets very tight. (I include these last details because each vagina is built differently and has its own needs. These are two physical aspects that I would have never found without looking and I think they will be helpful to my comfort level)
I also gave descriptions of what she looks like in my journal, but would rather keep those a secret for me.
I asked my vagina to trust me and not be afraid, but then I remember that her fear really comes from me. So instead I made an agreement that together we would learn to put our fear aside and trust each other.
If this entry brings you discomfort or awkwardness, you are not alone. These are really difficult things to read or speak about (trust me they are tough to write and publish too), and many of us are taught that these things should be kept private, so private that many women and men never learn how to relate to their sexual organ or to share when they need to most. That is why sexual disorders and experiences are often never admitted to or even discovered.
Find the courage to look at and describe your sexual organ, even if it is only to yourself. This is where the conversation begins.
Contact me if you have any comments or need to discuss further! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com
So I decided the most logical place to start my physical therapy was by looking at my vagina. A romantic relationship only works for me if I get to know a person really well before trying anything sexual. I need to find trust in that individual and I can only do that by spending time with him. Why should it be any different with my vagina? How can my vagina trust me if we don’t get to know each other? We must trust each other and that will only come through knowing and practice.
To some people this might sounds over the top, but I am an artist and a very spiritual person who believes strongly in the connection between body, mind, and emotions. Looking back now I realize that one of the issues with the first time I tried to heal from my vaginismus, was my sole focus on the physical side of things. I wasn’t in therapy, I was in a rush, and the one goal was to have sex as soon as possible. But I think this time around a stronger and truer sense of healing will come from addressing all sides of my disorder.
It can be terrifying to see one's sexual organs for the first time. As can be expected each woman has her own believes, misconceptions, and phobias she has collected through her life. Yet for many of us, if we can not bring ourselves to see, we will never truly get the courage to go further. I do believe that every person should get to know all their different parts in order to feel empowered in their own body and whatever your personal, sexual history it won't hurt to see the organ that is so central to existence.
Here are some un-edited excerpts from my journal of what I experienced when I began looking:
I am about to look at my vagina for the first time and I am afraid. Of what? What if I think it is ugly? What if it grosses
me out? What if it looks “weird?” Also though….how have I gone 27 years without seeing a part of my own body?
Wow…she is actually so beautiful and fascinating (Yes. My first response after looking.)
I learned more about why I might have physical discomfort when a penis enters. One of my lips is rather large and can be pushed in. And when spread apart a piece of skin at the bottom gets very tight. (I include these last details because each vagina is built differently and has its own needs. These are two physical aspects that I would have never found without looking and I think they will be helpful to my comfort level)
I also gave descriptions of what she looks like in my journal, but would rather keep those a secret for me.
I asked my vagina to trust me and not be afraid, but then I remember that her fear really comes from me. So instead I made an agreement that together we would learn to put our fear aside and trust each other.
If this entry brings you discomfort or awkwardness, you are not alone. These are really difficult things to read or speak about (trust me they are tough to write and publish too), and many of us are taught that these things should be kept private, so private that many women and men never learn how to relate to their sexual organ or to share when they need to most. That is why sexual disorders and experiences are often never admitted to or even discovered.
Find the courage to look at and describe your sexual organ, even if it is only to yourself. This is where the conversation begins.
Contact me if you have any comments or need to discuss further! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com